Jennifer Brooks is Retiring

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A cathartic CP session

I had my first cathartic CP session with D this weekend at the conference.

It started off a bit strange. The conference is held at a large hotel. Attendance has grown so much that we have managed to take over most of the rooms. The conference parties used to be held at APEX, but last year they started to hold them in a ball room due to serious lack of space (I used to pack a set of chopsticks and not much else to play at a SWLC party).

Now, I wanted to cane D. I was all dressed up to cane D with my long black skirt and my blouse with the buttons in the back and the lace panel in the front. We were towards the head of the line waiting for the room to open so we could get a space. As it was we barely snagged the last St. Andrew's cross. As we were setting up we were informed that we were at a singletail only station.

So it was singletails or wait until 1 AM for the crowd to clear up. I had thrown my whip in my bag on a whim, so I decided it was going to be a singletail scene, costuming and prior verbal threats notwithstanding.

Now D has a love/hate relationship with singletails. Basically it is the only toy I own that completely bypasses his leather behind. Using one on him is rather like spanking a virgin derriere with a hairbrush.

So I warmed him up, then started with lighter singletail strokes and worked up to moderate ones, then checked on him. To my surprise the man was sobbing. I asked him how he was doing and he smiled through his tears, managed to look fullfilled and sore at the same time, and stated he was in a very good place.

He has been wanting this a long, long time. Now perhaps he would have chosen a more domestic implement than a singletail had this played out according to fantasy. But no matter. It was clear he wanted to cry and be in that space, so I kept at it for quite a while. Then I gave him a long, long hug as he melted into me like a little kitten. We hugged and touched all the way home and I rocked him to sleep. D has a little boy persona that comes out in a very subtle way. No coloring books or toys strewn about--just a vulnerable sweetness that makes me want to cradle him.

I am not sure I would have chosen several months of unemployment, money issues, and an overcrowded BDSM party as a means to get him to this point. But, however it happened, it was good to finally get him to a place he and I really needed to go.

Southwest Leather Conference

To those who are interested/attended the conference with me--I posted again today about it on my other blog.

The harebrained Superbowl bet

I am a long suffering Arizona Cardinals....well fan does not quite describe it. OK, just an Arizonan long suffering through the Cardinals. They arrived when I was 14 along with some obnoxious neighbors who worked with them. The team and I did not get off on the right foot. The fact that they could not win anything did not help their case. The fact that the neighbors acted like they were better than the Arizonans they came to bless with their team just rubbed salt in the wound.

So I disregarded them for 21 years.

And they haul off and win the NFC championship.

Yeah, I got a little excited. I drove down the street near the stadium where the game was played honking my horn.

The same day the Baltimore Ravens were going after the AFC championship so I made a bet with a friend from Baltimore regarding who would win the Superbowl. The Ravens lost their game, but this fellow was undaunted.

So now my behind is on the line, dear readers. As is his. Heck, I don't have enough money to bet on a darned game so I had to resort to hide. Caning, figging--and I won't mention the third thing.

My neighbor had the temerity to wear his Philly Steelers Superbowl XXX shirt and flaunt it in front of us this last weekend.

As I recall they *lost*. Here. In AZ.

Go Cards.

I am going to bury that darned shirt in the yard Feb. 2

EDIT: The *Pittsburgh* Steelers. Dammit.

Still burying that shirt in the yard.

Wednesday, are you nuts??

Yeah, I created another blog. After not posting on this one for 3 months. After getting kicked off of at least one blog list for not posting for 3 months.

Yes, spanking is my first love. If I stay out of the blue funk that nailed me in October I will post about spanking a bit more often than once every three months.

But there is the other stuff. Yeah, that stuff.

Stuff like what I posted a few days ago when I came back online after three months. The spanking community and the BDSM community intersect--sorta. Since I have one foot in each I understand the sorta quite well. Spanking enthusiasts have a passionate culture of their own that I fit into very well--until my latent ADHD takes over and I see a nice shiny hook. Or a staple gun. Or whatever.

D, my long suffering and devoted partner, is a hard core, dyed in the wool spanking enthusiast. I ain't going anywhere. I am chewing at the bit to get to my next Shadowlane party.

So if I go off the deep end and go to body piercer school (I might), or discover new uses for a power stapler, well, I won't post it here.

If you wanna see that stuff, go to "The Islander." And if you like it, introduce yourself there too, please.

So, now back to spanking content--like, say, that harebrained Superbowl bet I made. Yikes!

I just don't want to squick any of my new friends out.

I moderated those comments that you all made months ago

Sorry folks!!

A technical glitch

I am no longer on the SL board. Nope--has nothing to do with SL. Has everything to do with money.

Still trying to find D a job.

I will get back on the board as soon as feasible. No March party for me either. Hopefully we do make it to Labor Day. Dunno with the way the economy is going though....

Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me over the last few months.

Figging and Caning

This post is a bit late but since Jenni Mack advertised this on her blog the least I could do would be to post how it turned out.

The local "Next Generation" BDSM group (for younger folks) asked me to do a demo at APEX. We have an arrangement with APEX whereby we will do a couple of events for them per quarter. It definitely helps the poor programming committee.

They asked me to do figging. I was rather reluctant. Although my private play and party figging sessions are generally a big hit, I have had some bad karma when it comes to trying to do this at a demo. Gingerroot will go projectile, or fail to burn, or whatnot. This time I insisted on finding and testing a bottom first. It worked well and I booked the demo.

And she got ill the day before the demo. Fortunately she did make it with the help of narcotic cough syrup, but this precipated a frantic search for a backup. I found a backup who would do it under the condition of being tied up. I am a mediocre bondage artist at best, so D became my crash test dummy 3 hours before the demo (at which point I discovered the man likes bondage. I think I am not going to stay mediocre for long).

The demo was fantastic. January is the season for gingerrroot somewhere on the planet and my local oriental market found this place, evidently. They had beautiful hands there with fingers nearly as thick as my wrist. I had to carve off a lot of "meat" to create a functional plug. Turns out they were *strong* too. The anal plug I made nearly tapped out my bottom.

I discovered anal plugs burn more intensely than vaginal ones. Makes sense. Any lube kills the burn and one orifice produces it's own. I combined caning with the figging (as figging alone was not enough time to fill 2 hours) and had the good fortune of decorating two behinds with the cane.

Lots of yumminess. D started acting up and another audience member who has a fondness for helping D get what he needs managed to get him to stand in the corner in front of the audience. At this point a friend of mine gave him quite a spanking on stage. I love audience participation.

Teaching S/M skills makes me hot and seems to be becoming a part of my scene identity. Not sure what it is about it. I get the audience going with my warped sense of humor, but I also love doing research and presenting my findings as well. People always tell me that they learned something they did not know. I always learn something in the process of preparing for a demo. Often I learn stuff during the demo as someone will ask me a question and I will use the demo bottom to come up with the answer (ie: which burns more--an anal or vaginal plug? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?)

That and using a skill that was the result of overcoming a major phobia (public speaking, needles) seems to add to the charge of the situation.

A non-spanking post

Jenni Mack got after me this weekend for not posting. Yeah, she's right. My energy has been drained over the past few months by a number of things, economic garbage chief on the list. This weekend though I was reminded that I need to stay in contact with what gives me energy and power.

So this weekend I went to our local Southwest Leather Conference with D, a couple of friends from SL, and about 50 friends from the local and national BDSM community.

I will post more details later, but now I will make a cross post from another primarily BDSM themed blog. Warning all--what follows is about piercing, not spanking. We ain't in Kansas right now. ;-)

To provide a bit of background, SWLC hosts something called "the dance of souls." It is a cathartic, ecstatic dance ritual loosely based on some ancient body ritual practices. One aspect of the ritual is something called a "hook pull." A pair of sterile stainless steel twelve gauge hooks are placed under the skin (chest or back) and then are attached to ropes. The participant can then attach the rope to an eyebolt or give it to another person and then tug. This stresses the body (much like a cathartic spanking might) and allows the person to give up "monkey mind" for a time and come to know what they've been hiding, stuffing, avoiding, etc. Anything from emotional pain to emotional joy can come out. Some use this as a rite of passage as well (that has been my tendency). This particular dance definitely had that quality for me. Here goes with the post...

Dance of Souls V:

Yep--my fifth.

I placed my first 12 GA flesh hook today (and the same 11 or 12 GA? needle twice). The fact that my crash test dummy was myself made the experience all the more interesting.

From what I understand, piercing oneself with--whatever--has an honored place in body rituals. The fifth play piercing needle I took was from my own hand and for some reason I find that placing at least one needle in myself during ritual anchors me to the experience. I "own" it then in a very visceral way.

That said, piercing myself with something that large (twice) and placing a hook in myself was several steps beyond mind blowing.

I got the "hit" that I was to do this halfway through the introductory lecture to the dance of souls. I was worried that the piercers may not allow it, so I deliberately sought out the most twisted edge player of the bunch. STF was actually my first choice but I saw he was only doing needles (they formed two teams this year for the sake of efficiency), so I picked Master Z of Texas. He had me convinced of his delightful sick twistedness after I saw what he could do with duct tape and an power stapler at an earlier demo. I figured if I fucked it up he would mop up the blood, grin, and take over. I also had an inkling he might like the show (he did). I asked a couple of SL friends to witness. Despite the fact this was their first dance they did with much love and without so much as a flinch.

I told Master Z where my knowledge of how to do this ended, so he helped me figure out depth and placement on my chest. I actually found that doing it myself made it less painful, even though I probably was twice as slow getting the needle through as he would have been (I wanted to get it to the right depth and I was not worried about whining from my "bottom"). He put in the first hook as I watched.* I asked to put in the second hook after I placed the piercing needle on the other side and to my surprise found doing that part took at least as much strength and a bit more aggression than did shoving the needle through. I was also drunk as a skunk on my own endorphins by this point and the concept of push and pull was not completely registering. Despite this I managed to get the hook 95% through before asking Master Z for help. He gave it a tiny shove and had the grace to tell me that basically I had done the job myself.

Of course I can't adequately describe how doing that made me feel. The word "empowered" comes to mind. Never had I felt so much ownership of anything. This ritual had become, viscerally, mine. I needed that very much. I was also immensely satisfied.

To my surprise and pleasure the subsequent pull was very comforting. My instinct had guided me the correct spots to pierce. The sensation felt maternal and safe and protected, much like I would imagine a kitten might feel when carried around by the scruff by mother. Even when I went into semi-suspension and the pain kicked up that underlying solidity was there. I had, literally, built my own wings and found them more than worthy for flight. I called myself beautiful at the prompting of a witness. I licked my ropes, licked Master D's hand, licked the wood frame, and kissed a female witness twice on the lips. I blissed out and let the whirl of sound go through me...

The first pull was about courage. The second...about building wings perhaps. For what, who knows. Of course more will come to me, verbally and non-verbally, as time goes on. I know though that this was transformative. I feel it.

* Hook piercing is done like any other piercing. The first thing to go in the body is a straight hollow piercing needle. Once the point of the needle penetrates through the skin the point of the hook is placed in the "bevel" (hollow point) of the needle. The needle acts like a sheath guide for the hook as it travels under the skin and the needle is ultimately shoved out of the skin in the opposite direction it went in. It is the curve of the hook, I think, that demands a decent push at this stage. An 11 or 12 GA needle, evidently, stays sharp enough to be reused for the rest of that same person's piercings.