Transferable skills

One of my coworkers refuses to go to the doctor. She has had the same cold for days and we work with some folks who don't have the greatest hygiene or greatest immune systems.

So today I had enough. I went to her, looked her over in a stern way, and said "You are going to see the doctor, yes?" I provided a brief explanation why I thought this behavior might be desirable.

*pause*

"Can I wait until after work?"

I was floored--she had shrugged off everyone else who had made the same suggestion. Finally I asked her what it was about my approach that actually got her to commit to seeing the doctor.

She winced a bit and said: "Well, you told me your concerns--but mostly it is that scary mother look you get. You looked like you are going to spank me!"

No, this person has no clue. I swear!

Apparently this stuff we do starts to show after a while.

Ranting about Bad Doms

*sigh*

I've seen and heard a *lot* recently so if you think this is directed at you--it is probably not.

A lot of us run around with very, very dark fantasies. We want to be owned, dominated, disregarded, punished intensely, used as an object, treated in an arbitrary way, interrogated cruelly, depersonalized, tortured--you get the idea. Or maybe we are on the other side of such fantasies.

This is no reason to let down your guard. Real predators are out there. You don't want them. No, really, you don't. Really. I don't care how desperately much you want to be treated as the mere muddy carpet remnant your Master Treads Upon. You Don't Want A Predator!

Red flag time, folks. Now the presence of these in any individual does not automatically make them a Creep. But if you see a bunch of them--just dig a bit deeper. Slow down. Get references.

1. Does the person seem to be "bigger than life" or "extraordinary"? How about extraordinarily charming?

2. Do you find yourself sharing things with this person almost immediately that you would take weeks or months to share with any other mere mortal?

3. Do you find yourself allowing them liberties that you would not allow most people?

4. Do they present themselves as being extraordinarily intelligent--and flaunting it? Dig deeper. Check out their facts. Hell, check out their *grammar*. Yeah, occasionally I've run into an arrogant genius. More frequently I run into arrogant posers who sprinkle their conversation with a bunch of big words. Often these words are mis-used. I avoid these folks on principle.

5. Are they vague about their past? Do they claim that they have done extraordinary things, but are skimpy on details when you press them?

6. Do they avoid the community? Do they have any friends? Have you seen their friends? Do they go on and on about how inferior the "community" or "society" is?

7. Do they think there is no such thing as "hard limits?" Do they believe you should have no limits? Do they consider your limits an imposition on their Grand Domliness? Hey--I am all for consensual limit pushing, if done skillfully. There has to be some respect and care though, regardless of the intensity of the role that is played.

8. Do they ever acknowledge or apologize for mistakes--to anyone? What is the quality of their apology? Small and forced if cornered--or appropriate?

9. Do they ever self disclose? Do they ever indicate they have feet of clay like the rest of us?

10. Do they continually say they are not some sort of creep or are not engaging in some sort of Annoying Behavior? We all will say things occasionally like "I don't mean to dominate the conversation," especially if we know we have that tendency. In conscientious folks this statement will be accompanied by an honest, if imperfect, attempt not to do that thing. Some folks will use such statements as a cover though. If someone says "I don't mean to dominate the conversation" and they *always* do, start looking for other similar examples.

11. Do they find ways to isolate you? Do you find yourself, for whatever reason, spending much less time with old friends? Certainly any relationship takes up time--but keeping your friends and ties are your best defense. You need the reality check. There are lots of tricks a person can use to isolate someone. They don't have to be as overt as "you can't see so and so anymore." Generally they won't be that overt--you will just find yourself becoming more and more isolated.

13. Do they switch frequently from mean to nice--always with an excuse for the mean? We all do this on occasion, though generally with an apology and a reason. Daily switches though are too much. Excuses with no apology are, well, inexcusable.

14. Do you think you are "wrong" all of the time? Are you starting to feel "crazy" or "bad"? If you weren't crazy, bad, or perpetually wrong before, you probably are not now. Some people have a nifty way of dumping their crazy on others and then denying anything to do with it.

15. Does the person appear to fill some longing need in you? Do they seem perfect for you in every way? If it seems too good to be true....

16. Oh, and the last one for today. Do they act impatient or defensive when you ask to slow down and check references? Do they hint that theirs is an offer you must accept *now* or lose forever? Don't fall for the used car salesman routine. No inspection, no sale.

There is a difference between a predator and a responsible Dom with an objectification, degradation, humiliation, punishment, or total power exchange fetish. The latter possesses a conscience. They will give you a great ride, but will not want to break their toy. The former....may just not want to get caught in the event they do break their toy.

And yes, these items apply to subs as well.


Not an inclusive list, but I am done for the day. I feel much better now. /Rant

Another victim of the economy :-(

Fetish Alive, a local fetish consignment store/dungeon, is closing July 31st. This is the place that has hosted a couple of our open invitation Sun Valley Spankos parties. I just feel crappy for the owners right now. I also feel crappy for many of the regular presenters who never really got a hearing elsewhere (including a foot fetishist who happens to be a class guy).

This sux.

:-(

I've been missed, apparently

Thanks J :-)

Not too sure I am ready to post yet. I've been dealing with some chronic health issues that have flared up recently and a bit of sturm und drang. Health issues seem to have settled a bit and I think I am on the backside of the sturm und drang--hopefully.

Had some cool things happen recently. Hopefully I can make them fresh enough when I attempt to post about them.

DD update: Rewards

Well, I am writing again. My brain has slowed down somewhat. I will see how it goes though...

My last attempt to convince D to exercise worked out well. After the discipline session I also offered a reward for good behavior. So tonight we are going out to his favorite restaurant for a meatloaf dinner. His exercise has been consistent and the computer area is now spotless (he mistook "keeping it clean" for "cleaning it every day" but I am inclined to let sleeping schedules lie).

I am going to try a monthly reward schedule with him. A "good boy" spanking will be a default unless he is sore from previous party adventures, but I also talked to him about other things he might want. So far we have meatloaf dinners, building up his music collection one CD at a time, and him being able to get a one month membership to a desired spanking site.

I am sure we will think of other things too. This makes a handy holiday list too, actually.

Of course I will take care of slip ups weekly and restart the reward clock then if needed.

So a question to the audience. Do you use rewards in DD? Do you like to receive them? If you do use them or receive them what are your favorites?

I know there is a difference of opinion on using rewards at all. Some have told me they don't use them because they want the person to do the action for the intrinsic benefit or for the sake of obedience. WRT to M/s relationships and some relationships tending towards D/s I do grok that philosophy. However for D, the things he needs help with are things that we all have trouble being motivated to do from time to time. Spanking or meatloaf helps him--setting a good example for him is helping me (I have a hard time looking him in the eye regarding an exercise dispute if I am not on *my* exercise plan).

It may be a bit before I post again

It won't be long. I am in a bit of a transformative phase right now and I need to simmer more than I need to write. I will be back next month for sure.

Shadowlane

I couldn't stand it. I just joined so I am waiting through the 48 hour processing period. D has been getting a bit of work so it was just time. I think joining just after a party is good too. Everyone will be there and I won't be chewing my thumbs off over missing a future party.