Sunday, September 21, 2008

A million thank yous to A.S.S.!

For clueing me in that my blog will be much more comment friendly if I change the setting that requires folks to have a Google account in order to comment.

Now that I have anonymous moderated comments enabled please let me know how else I can improve the settings to make this more user friendly (anyone). I am brand new to blogging, so some of the technical aspects will escape me for a bit until I get past the learning curve.

Thanks!

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Well, so far I suck at blogging during the week...

Hopefully that will change next week. Besides the work project I have also been planning food for a large gathering. I barely have time to say Hi to D. every day before I go to my e-mail and see what I have to do next.

It is over Saturday.

Yay.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Disturbing Thought....

Today I was catching up with some friends and afterwards D provided me with some background information on one friend he has known for years. What I heard disturbed me, especially in light of what I have experienced in the past week.

This person had a very abusive dominant several years ago. She eventually got away from him. That, apparently, has been the end of her spoken D/s desires. Talk to her now and she will tell you she is a bottom. No problem with that, except I have this awful feeling that her desire to be of service to someone as a submissive is still there, buried under a very, very bad experience. I really don't know if she will ever be able to express it again.

This disturbs me because I do like this person and I know how deep a yearning for a particular kink can go. It also makes me think how close D came to losing his true desires as well. He got mistreated by some Dommes many years ago. They did not listen, they simply assumed things. Worse, they did not get to know him as a person and did a piss poor job of negotiating with him so they set off emotional land mines without even realizing it. He still wonders if they would have cared had they known.

Now, anything I do with someone is done only so long as it benefits the person. I am very early into doing DD with D so time will tell. However it awes me that it took him five years to rebuild the trust needed to let this side of him out. He did not simply come out to a stranger, IMHO, he came out to someone who stimulated that interest at exactly the correct time in our relationship. He would not have come out at all if he had not build all of that trust in me. If nothing else, he knows I would protect him from any stranger. He also would not have come out if he had not spent a weekend interacting with well functioning couples who do what he wants to do.

So, how many people get lost out there? It just takes one crummy Dominant or one lousy Top. What we do reaches into the deepest parts of our psyche and while the needs are strong, apparently they are fragile as well. And if the need gets buried, I think, so does an essential part of that person's soul.

The Disposition of D's Derriere

Why, yes, I did break two canes over D's backside yesterday. The canes were junk after I was done--I could not even trim them shorter. So I figured I'd better post on what the aftereffects are.

The short answer: Not much.

D has a reputation in Phoenix for being a Iron Butt. I prefer to think of it as a Kevlar Caboose, but anyway...

It is a very subtle shade of pink. There are a few light red cane strokes. The skin is a just a tad rougher in texture. That's it. No black and blue whatsoever. His behind is sensitive when I smack it with my hand. I have left worse damage on a mere mortal using one fifth of the force. It looked impressive for a whole hour, then rapidly assumed it's present state.

Nope, I am not disappointed. He got the point of the discipline and he feels loved. He is in the headspace he has wanted to be in for years, but could not admit. That is more than good enough for me.

Now, anyone have any suggestions for a hardcore skin moisturizer? Something that would work on rough elbows? No, I am not going to use a cheese grater or a circular sander so please let's not go there ;-).

Saturday, September 13, 2008

OK, so now the details....

D just got his punishment spanking for chronic and pervasive failure to communicate his true desires to me (and for spilling his guts to a stranger while leaving me out of the loop). Supernanny (I hope she does not mind me referring to her as that here) came to coach me through it. I thought we were going to go 50/50 on the session but I proved to be a quick study and my intuition kicked in almost immediately.

He is sitting gingerly now. Considering the level of the offense (quite high) I used the cane. OK, I used two canes and they sort of had to be retired afterwards. Now I need to pester my local vendor buddy for more cheap rattan canes. The whole affair was over in about 15 minutes, including corner time, mouth soaping, lecturing, and spanking. D said he did not know what hit him. We did a double check with him afterwards--yes he still wants and needs the DD dynamic. This spanking was really not a whole lot worse than some I have given him in the dungeon for play (D has a tough hide from lots of play in the 90's)--it was just a heck of a lot faster with no warm-up. The scolding and the intent of the spanking made all the difference as far as distinguishing this from playtime. That is one thing I am watching closely. I want to make sure that in the end discipline acts as a deterrent, even if he does not perceive it as entirely negative (he might have a nice afterglow tomorrow and already said he felt cared for even as I was doing it).

So, because D caused me 5 years of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to his lack of communication, I am going to make good on my threat to post his rules here. These rules are a product of knowing the man for 5 years so they are all sorely needed. Below I am posting his discipline schedule. Of course both are subject to change. With regard to the final rule--no I am not trying to be funny. He already has leather butt. He came to me with it.

D’s House Rules

  1. Exercise for at least 10 minutes 4 days a week. You can either ride the stationary bike or go for a walk. Increase exercise time for a minute each week until you have reached 20 minutes.
  1. Participate in “Chore Time” on the weekend. We will clean the house together each weekend, splitting the tasks as evenly as possible. Wednesday will assign tasks to D. Lift items properly to avoid back problems.
  1. Learn or practice at least one skill each week. This could be a cleaning skill, a computer skill, or a cooking skill.
  1. When between temp job assignments or out of work go job hunting 5 days a week unless prevented by illness or an appointment. Take no more than one week off between job assignments before starting to search.
  1. When employed get health insurance from either the temp agency or a private carrier. Do it within one week of employment unless broke.
  1. Go to bed by 11 PM on the weekdays. Go to bed by midnight on the weekends, unless we are at a function that lasts later than that.
  1. COMMUNICATE!!! Don’t be hiding any more secret desires from Miss Wednesday—it really pisses her off and then she writes embarrassing things in her blog!
  1. Visit the doctor without delay when problems arise. Get an annual physical.
  1. Floss your teeth every day. Special flossers will be provided so you will not have to fight with string.
  1. Moisturize rear every day with lotion.

D’s Discipline Schedule

1. Demerits will be added up throughout the week and noted in the Weekly Task Log. Discipline will be meted out on the weekend.

2. If there are no demerits present D may still be subject to a “maintenance spanking.”

3. Discipline will consist of spanking and CP, corner time, scolding, grounding, and mouth soaping. Any or all of these methods of discipline will be used at Wednesday's discretion.

4. Good boy spankings can be earned with good behavior.



Friday, September 12, 2008

The difference between a Dominant and a consensual sadist

I've been kicking around writing this post for awhile. This is actually the first thing I learned about the scene, thanks to a kindly Bostonian friend who both educated me and nudged at me until I walked into our local BDSM club alone for the first time. This is about both a definition of terms and about a piece of my scene identity (I have several scene identities but I will save that for a later post).

I can't remember what prompted her to define the difference between consensual sadism and Dominance for me, but I do know it proved useful as I have defined myself in the scene. I also have observed that people often get the two confused, which has the potential to wreak several kinds of havoc.

Now, disclaimer time here. A true sociopathic sadist does *not* want consent to cause pain. In the BDSM community we often joke that a true masochist and a true sadist would hate each other's guts because the masochist would like what the sadist was dishing out, thus denying the sadist his nonconsensual fix. A consensual sadist causes pain up to a point--that point being the cessation of the underlying enjoyment of the bottom. Some read the bottom's body language to determine that point and others rely on verbal communication, but most consensual sadists I talk to fear taking someone too far and go to great lengths to prevent that.

So here is the simple definition. A pure consensual sadist likes to cause pain. A pure dominant likes to control another person. Both can be done at the same time, but one can exist without the other. So, not everyone who spends most of their time wielding a whip (or whatever) is necessarily a Dominant. Now, when I use the term Dominant or submissive I am also referring to Masters and slaves, as they are on different points of the same control continuum.

I identify almost entirely as a consensual sadist when I am engaged in non-DD BDSM play. I don't give a rip whether someone is tied down or not, unless they ask (bondage can be used to cause pain, though often I hear that people like to use it to control someone else and make escape impossible). I don't care what they wear, so long as they are clean. If they want to have an orgasm, swell. They don't need my permission. I could care less if they call me ma'am--just don't call me late to dinner. In fact, if they direct a juicy bit of profanity at me after I have really gotten to them I consider it a bonus.

I have met very few kinks I did not like. Of those I don't like, most involve either too much unpleasantness to me or have too high a risk to pleasure ratio. The rest generally involve some sort of consensual pain or fear on the behalf of the recipient and that is where I live, so to me the different kinks are like different artistic media that I get to play around with. I like people who react and I have no desire to tell someone to stay still as I am doing whatever to them. If someone insists on being a stoic I will generally find a way to make them react. When I am functioning in this identity I don't inflict pain for any other purpose, really, than to get both myself and the masochist to a happy place.

I get confused for a BDSM Dominant often. So enter the Dominant. He may want to control the orgasms, control the reactions of the submissive, engage in scene protocol, insist on certain modes of address, tell the submissive what to wear, etc. If the relationship allows this control can be expanded into most aspects of the sub's life. I've met some Dominants who don't scene at all--their relationships consist entirely of obedience and service.

A pure dominant (or someone acting in a purely dominant mode for the moment) may use pain as a means of *control*. For many submissives I have talked to, bearing pain is something they do as a submissive act, not necessarily because they like it. This is not so unusual--if my read of military basic training is correct one of the primary goals is to train the recruits to follow orders no matter what is happening, even (and especially) if physical discomfort or pain is involved. Allowing a Dominant to do Really Scary Things to you and then realizing you came out OK can really build the trust necessary in those types of relationships. A true slave craves obedience--training him or her to be obedient under some sort of consensual duress is, from what I understand, a powerful mode of deepening his role.

In my neck of the woods pain takes on yet another dimension. Spirituality and M/s are closely linked within many prominent leather households here. Pain is often used in this dynamic to create a personal rite of passage (I've been through one myself) or to create spiritual receptiveness (I've talked to many folks who have had peak or revelatory experiences when placed under bodily stress). For that I refer the reader to the Native American Sun Dance, or the Modern Primitive Movement.

These reasons for causing pain are quite different from causing pain because the pain itself takes you both to a happy place.

Now, to confound matters more, people rarely fit in one box or the other. Many Dominants are sadistic, so they get more than just control from engaging in a pain scene. I mostly top for giggles, but once in a while I find myself in the middle of a cathartic scene and I realize I have just created a sacred space for some sort of rite of passage.

However, I think knowing the difference is crucial, especially if you are shopping for a scene partner. If you are not a masochist, do you want a sadist as a partner? Is you desire for submission deep enough to allow him or her that outlet with you? Do you both need to leave room in the relationship for him or her to play with masochists?

If you are primarily a masochist, perhaps it is better to think twice before jumping on the M/s bandwagon. D made that mistake a couple of times and the relationships ended in short order. I know of one other masochist who served several people before finally realizing he is a masochist. So now he seeks out those who can engage with him purely in a sadistic mode. If you see him play you will see he is clearly enjoying the scene, but nobody would confuse him for a sub.

If you are a mixture of both submissive and masochist, how does your mixture stack up to your potential partner's. Are you willing to stretch your limits, or do with less than you would ideally like to have?

And last but not least, if you are wanting physical punishment in your relationship and your partner is a sadist, are you sure he or she is going to have enough of a handle on that not to abuse his or her power? Are you also a masochist who likes non-punishment pain scenes? Does the sadist have another outlet? Is the sadistic itch strong enough that he or she needs one? That would definitely need to be worked out ahead of time, starting first by making clear that different pain scenes have different purposes and should be treated as such.

And of course, these same considerations are very relevant to those on the Top side as well.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

More Details this Weekend Regarding the Previous Post

I will also make some more substantive posts. I am getting my behind handed to me on a platter at work with this week. There is nothing wrong--I am just the lead for a project we are trying to start up and the start up phase of this particular class of projects is a killer. Fortunately it is going well. TGIF for sure.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Mt. Vesuvius Erupts...

I am feeling better, though my work shift is going to do weird things the next 3 days so I don't know how much I will be posting in that period of time.

For now though, I just need to write.

So in our last episode of "As Miss Wednesday's Lines Turns" D had just confessed his desire to have a disciplinarian in his life to both me and our new friend.

So I was much confused last night when he seemed to be wobbling on that. You see, I have been through 5 years of being strung along regarding this. I tried to start this years ago--and he would express a desire and then withdraw consent. I never could quite tell if he wanted his spankings to remain in the realm of role play or cross the line into real discipline. His mouth would say one thing and my empathic read on him would say another. I got so confused and frustrated that I gave up a year or two ago. My last hurrah came after I joined an F/ m DD site, only to have him recoil in fear when he learned what it was *really* about. I had visited that, Disciplinary Wives, tried every communication trick in the book--no soap.

So I was pleased when he finally coughed up his desire, thought we were back to square one last night--and then I came home tonight...

...And saw that he was chatting with our new friend. We are all open with each other and I knew she would not mind, so while he was hauling up the last load of groceries I took a peek. I saw that he did not run and hide when she mentioned grounding him.

WTF?? Jesus Christ on a rubber raft what was going on here??!!!

That was it. The fuse was lit and when he put the last load of groceries down I 'sploded. I don't get truly angry often at all but I certainly got there today.

Mind you, I was *not* mad at our new friend. Heck she had just gotten out of D something that has been stuck in him 57 years. I was just pissed that he could not trust *me* enough to tell me this!

So after I hollered at him I talked to our new friend and asked for some help. We all eventually came to the conclusion that sometimes it is easier to tell a stranger who seems to understand than someone close to you. I also made clear to her that I want him to get his discipline, even if I don't get to dish it out. I can't love someone this much and deny him something that close to his heart. We agreed to have her mentor me and in the future I'd love to split it up with her somehow if she is willing.

So, it looks like I have a mentor. I've been assigned the task of making out a list of rules for him to abide by. Considering all the pain and anguish he has put me through on this one I might just be puckish enough to post them here! We have a number of local disciplinarians who will be *very* interested in what I come up with. Hey, suggestions welcome folks!

Then we will go on to step 2--probably after a good spanking for lack of communication!

Stay tuned folks, for the next installment of "As Wednesday's Lines Turn"!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Under the weather

I will resume posting later in the week. I won't be around the Net much either until I feel better.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Domestic Discipline

I met D 5 years ago and he has been living with me for 3 years. In that time I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals about whether or not he wanted a domestic discipline arrangement. They were mixed enough that we never tried. He would talk to me about personal behaviors that bothered him and recite fantasies about being taken in hand, but when I would try to negotiate reality with him he would recoil in fear.

So yesterday we ate dinner and then had a session with a wonderful female top D had just met in a spanking chat room. She made it clear that she does not like role play and would rather discipline over real stuff. D was so turned on that he let me rattle off a list of "real stuff" and when we got to our home the punishment commenced. One of the bones of contention was D's unfillfilled promises to exercise. He is in his 50s and there is a good gap between us in age. Both of us want him to be around and spankable for lots of years to come. My parents had decided to get rid of some exercise equipment about 2 or so years ago and so we had hauled a bowflex for me and a stationary bike for him up the stairs. And the bike sat and got used as a clothes drying rack. He wanted to use it and agreed to it before we hauled the 200+ pound behemoth up the stairs--but then it sat.

So he got corner time, his first mouth soaping with some leftover Ivory soap from the SL weekend, and a good OTK paddling. After his paddling he was dispatched to the exercise bike to sit. Instead the man started to exercise, right there, sitting on his red behind!!! So we let him go for awhile and peeked out the door of the bedroom to see him diligently exercising with his red shirt and almost equally red caboose.

And I was scared. I was afraid this was going to backfire, that he would have a bad reaction, that he would feel the way he felt back at some NY clubs in the 80s.

And in that 10 minutes all the reasons that have kept us from taking this leap went through my mind. D had to join the BDSM scene some 20 odd years ago because there were no spanking only options. The scene was far more "Old Guardish" then than it is now. So he got spanking and a lot of stuff that just does not work for him. On one occasion he was simply sent to the corner and ignored while his lady tops whooped it up elsewhere. He did not want to be a slave, jumping to commands. He did not want to be treated as an object, sitting in a corner until needed for service. Other folks there had those needs, but not D.

Unfortunately this experience and others put the filter in his mind that said: discipline=objectification. To have rules meant that he would automatically end up at the extreme and become an object whose sole purpose was to serve it's owner. We had talks about it, but I did not know what the heck I was doing either. I had no DD models and the M/s ones kept steering us in a direction we did not want to go when I brought this up. I knew D needed discipline and structure without the slavehood, but I had no good map of what that looked like.

I did find some DD sites on the web--and here is where my hangups kicked in. I am not a psychotherapist, but I do work in the social services field. I have to provide lay counseling on a regular basis for folks trying to meet vocational and other goals. There is a particular set of techniques for that, none of which include punishment. I was taught punishment was Bad, would lead to other maladaptive behaviors, and just Never Works. You could have natural consequences. You could put a kid in time out until he quit knocking holes in all the walls of the house. But no punishment.

I am quite open minded and not well domesticated in a lot of respects. ;-) I dove into BDSM into both feet, tried everything I could manage from both ends, and did not feel a tinge of guilt--until I contemplated DD.

Yesterday I read a post on Radspace (see blog list) about disciplinary spanking and a light went on in my head. I had done it a few times with people other than DD despite my misgivings and it had really turned my crank on a lot of levels. At that moment I realized that it is a kink, silly.

Non-consensual slavery is illegal in this country and condemned by most. It is so condemned that those who practice the consensual version have a lot of problems when they try to describe their interest to outsiders. I have all kinds of problems describing it and usually get met with some form of "that is just wrong."

No it ain't. It is a need. Slavery is outlawed because it does not work for *most* people and because doing things non-consensually is Just Wrong (now, I am not talking here of consensual non-consensuality). This does not mean that there is not a subset of the population for which slavery fits and fills a deep identity need.

And last night both I and D groked that adult discipline is a need too, for a small subset of the population. D woke up this AM, cuddled into me, and told me he felt more like himself than he has for a long time. He had deeply feared this, jumped off the cliff anyway, and apparently has landed someplace he has always wanted to go. He loves the "little boy" identity and feels it today, with a difference. He wants to be not the little boy that wants to escape adult life, but the little boy who wants to follow rules he agrees are good for him, better himself, and remain a good partner for me. The discipline works because it is a need, not just something imposed from the outside.

I mentioned to the lady who visited us yesterday that she was like a kinky angelic Supernanny. I think that is more true than not.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

OK so my blog list is a catch-all...

I could not figure out how to make the links feature work. Better than nothing.

Wow...

Not only did she show up, she was *exactly* what D and I needed at this point in our relationship. I am only moderately spiritual--but this seemed very serendipitous and very much like the purposeful work of the Universe. We (especially me) had to get exactly to the point we were at for this to work.

D had his very first genuine disciplinary session (ie: being disciplined over real stuff which has been causing me no small amount of worry for quite some time.) She did 95% of it and I positioned myself to watch his face. D has been giving me mixed signals about wanting this for years, for a variety of reasons. I would have been too afraid to do this myself so it took her to push us to a place we needed to go.

He really did need that.

More later. I am quite rattled now (in a very good way). A few old assumptions of mine about D just took a left turn at Albuquerque...

OMG! LOL!

D just hooked up with a lady spanker on a chat room and she wants to come over!

NOW he is motivated to help me clean up the condo! LOL! I've had a lot of online bonks recently as I and a medical play Dom have been trying to scare up a bottom and a potential slave for him. So I am somewhat dubious until I see the whites of their eyes. However, this person has a ring of authenticity to her. Been in the scene or interested in it for quite a while and spent quite a bit of time corresponding with D over a few days. We are doing the whole safety thing--meeting her at a restaurant first and also having me around when she does play with him. The medical Dom knows when we are going to play too.

And the coop de grass--this lady did not know D had a gf when she started to express serious interest in him.

Hey single male bottoms! It *is* possible if you are courteous, treat the potential top like a human, and try to find out what makes her tick too.

Perhaps I can assimilate her into what I hope will become an organized Phoenix spanking scene?

Technically Challenged...

I am trying to add blogs for those who have given me approval, but they are not sticking. Yeah, I hit save...

I'll keep at it...

Friday, September 5, 2008

Hello Bloggers

I am going to touch base with all of my blogger friends and ask permission to reference their blogs here. If you see this first and are OK with me cross linking you (or not) let me know.

SL 2008 party report

'Spose I better do this before it becomes old news...

Now, I don't post names. Next year I may ask permission to post a few, but if you were one of the people I bonded with at the party, know that I valued your presence and energy.

This was my first Shadowlane party. I joined the member's area of the SL site a month and a half before the party and started participating on the bulletin board and chats. I taught D how to use a chat room and soon enough he was addicted.

Soon I had made e-mail contact with 2 people and we planned appointments for the party. In the process I got to know them as friends and traded several wonderful messages about spanking and life.

We chose to drive up to LV from Phoenix and rented a car for the purpose. After several delays and issues we were on the road and arrived in Vegas about an hour before the Mexican dinner which had been arranged by one of the other guests.

The Mexican restaurant had seen our crowd last year and took it all in stride, but soon we had 4 packed tables. What started with small talk ended with conversation that probably got the attention of some of the 'nillas. I stuck around until almost everyone had left and got invited to a gathering to listen to Obama's DNC speech. I was expecting more get to know you small talk and perhaps a few liberal/conservative debates, but when we went up there the spankings had already commenced, and it was obvious that Obama's speech was not the center of attention. The kind founders of the American Spanking Society had made their toys available for play, so it was not long before I was swatting D with the meanest paddle they had. Then a fellow came in with some unique loop handled floggers he had made. I asked to see them and he invited me to use them on him. Before I knew it I had a line of guys. I played with them, made my acquaintance with the Party Brat, then proceeded to cane D. with a sweet thick synthetic cane that was also available on the table. All of this public topping lead to my first private scene, and I felt comfortable enough with the fellow that I ended up bottoming as well as topping.

Friday I hit the ground running with one of my scheduled private scenes, and the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I know I ate some clam chowder, played with goodness knows how many people, went to the newbies dinner, and then went to the vendor's fair. I had vowed not to buy *another* paddle (I am swimming in the darned things) but an Australian lacewood spoon shaped number plaintively cried my name and it ended up going with me. It was so finely made and smooth that I wanted to sit and pet it almost more than I wanted to use it. I bought a few other items, socialized, swatted the other Party Brat with a very large paddle, then ended up in a suite party where I connected with a pair of friends from Phoenix who had just arrived. I was in the door no more than 5 seconds before I got sucked into a role play with this pair regarding toys that had been hidden. D got pulled in, I pulled up a chair, and did not leave it for 3 hours as I got to spank D and several other wonderful bottoms. I gave one person his first taste of leather. The highlight of the evening occurred when someone brought up a couple from the gambling area and introduced them to our group. She turned out to have a hell of an arm and after some questioning I found that she plays tennis. Those transferable skills have served her well.

Saturday AM I blundered downstairs with D, inhaled some McBuffet food, and went upstairs for my second appointment of the weekend. This one turned out swimmingly as I was able to introduce this fellow to a Victorian punishment that he had been wanting to try. The hotel rooms all had large glass windows. We were up on the 9th floor, so I opened the drapes and spanked this fellow in front of Vegas! After this I got invited to a charming 3 couple OTK spanking session with D in another room, then off to demonstrate toys at a midday vendor party. Over the course of the weekend we had several meals with the folks who had invited us to the impromptu spanking session and ended up talking about travel, Canadian deserts, Quebec, and anything else we could think of.

I had scene drop after that so I went to take a nap. Around 6 PM I heard what sounded like a frat party going on next door. Doors were being slammed, people were bellowing, and when D went out to investigate, he told me that a bunch of young people had moved in and were drinking and whooping it up, leaving beer cans in the hall. Worse, a few of them had underaged kids with them. I was not amused and after muttering threats about adding a hazing ceremony to their festivities I tipped off the guard downstairs on my way to the dinner. When I came back 3 hours later it was quiet as a tomb. I was definitely glad nobody saw fit to complain about all of us!

Dinner involved very good company and some spanking. I ended up at a suite party afterwards and a rather heavy bottom who had seen me in action baited me to out do her. Fine. I took out the Canadian Prison strap--the one made from shoe sole leather with holes. She did concede to me in time after a lot of hard swats and even more laughter and jokes. More spanking happened with other wonderful bottoms when we dropped in on another suite party.

Saturday night I watched the Gustav reports with more than a little concern, then snuggled with D in bed.

Sunday was the Bad Boyz party and I was lucky enough to score an invitation to top. I probably played with 7 male brats. The Party Brat finally met his match with my sorority paddle as I gave him several hard strokes. He did quiet down after inviting all the men there to experience what he was experiencing. No, he had no takers. I got to cane again--yay! D had finally been spanked out--he squirmed with only preparatory taps.

Sunday was my comeuppance, plainly. I mostly top. My default mode is cordial, but definitely not submissive. However, some of these folks had really earned my trust. They lacked the oversized egos that I see too often elsewhere and after a weekend of sharing meals and talk with them they ended up melting me. Two of them wanted a crack at me after I had dealt with them earlier in the weekend. They turned out to be wonderful tops and we mutually agreed to seek each other out next party. The third had been wanting to spank me all weekend. He was not a heavy player and after 2 scenes I was far enough into bottom mode that I relented. I usually don't bottom to those who only top, but this fellow turned out to be sensitive and nurturing. I was sore though, so it did not go too far. It was then off to a suite party, where I had the honor of witnessing an incredible cathartic scene involving some friends. We were invited into the aftercare cuddle puddle and all of us nearly ended up in tears as we laid hands on our friend.

Monday I slept as late as I could, then D and I hauled our stuff downstairs. I found out that gamblers really don't give a rip if you haul an IV stand through the hotel. They truly don't. I am not a gambler, so to me that whole scene resembled an immense neon colored experiment in the psychology of intermittent reward. I kept expecting to see the maze and cheese at any second... OK Pot, meet Kettle. But still..

We had a charming dinner at Red Rock with some of our Phoenix friends and one of the folks I had bonded with at both ends of the paddle. Then we reluctantly headed home.

We got stopped by homeland security at Hoover Dam for a random check. The officer saw my IV stand, inquired about it, then got a big twinkling grin on his face after I told him I had used it as a clothes rack to haul clothes (but I *had*!!). He made sure our water jugs just had water in them and moved us on without troubling to fondle the paddles. The other Phoenicians had the brains to go home via Laughlin...

Party drop started by the time we got to Wickenburg. We ended up in a McDonald's with what seemed like half of Phoenix, along with a bunch of teenagers with nuthin' better to do. Urgh!

Now, play nice....

So once in a while I get into a conversation with a bottom or a switch who informs me he or she does not like a whole class of CP toys. Generally the toys in question are canes, though once in a while I will hear someone say the don't like leather.

So I ask questions. Stuff like "when did you try this last? What happened? How was it used?"

Often I get the response that it was used once, or a very few number of times, the top just swung it at them, and it was a Bad Pain. Occasionally someone tells me it was used for a consensual punishment scene--which then prompts me to explain how sensual scenes differ from punishment ones.

If my friendship with the person is close enough I will encourage them to try again--same toy, different technique. Find a top who can make it play nice.

When I was starting in BDSM I had a mentor who told me that all toys could be made to play nice. To prove his point he took out a chain mail singletail. Now, this thing did not actually act like a leather singletail as the tip was incapable of going Mach 1 and you did not want to throw it that way anyhow unless you were trying to chase a rhinoceros off of your property. Basically this toy consisted of a double row of chain mail, linked together to form a single 3 ft tail, with tapering links at the end. It was attached to what looked like half of a nunchuck. He called his slave up, used it on her without warm up, and she giggled while her back developed slightly pink stripes. So I asked to have it used on me. He threw it in a continuous circle, and grazed my back with the tip, moving in gradually as he assessed my tolerance. It was thuddy, but not what I w0uld call painful.

So I explain to the bottom what playing nice is. A cane is a potentially fierce implement of punishment and can cause more damage faster than any other traditional CP implement. And yet, starting with light percussion and slowly working the endorphins up with gradually harder strokes, then interspersing more impressive strokes with lots of rubbing and loving it in can take a person to a very nice place. The sensation of a cane stroke goes through the entire body--but that sensation is wonderful if it is kept just below the ouch threshold and accompanied by lots of lovely endorphins. One of the first scenes I witnessed involved caning. The intensity was gradually increased over about 45 minutes. The top was being patient--he had taken a seat and was taking his time. The bottom had a lovely bruised behind, and was orgasming strongly. When I asked her about it later she said she felt very little of it as actual pain.

Some toys take more skill to make play nice than others. Once someone told me he did not like leather because he got hit with a belt and did not like the intensity of it. Dress belts are clumsy, awkward, and can twist and then hit on the side. They tend to be thin and can pack a mean punch. It is possible to make them play nice, after a lot of practice. I did not get a chance to tell this fellow to try a flat, short strap before condemning all leather.

Now, if someone says that a toy creates a sensation that does not do much for them, or they find irritating rather than erotic, then I take them at their word. I've tried violet wands at high intensity, low intensity, with lots of different attachments, whatever, and I just find the sensation irritating. So now I just top with it, and avoid the damned metal bed frame if I've placed the contact point on me.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Stuff I learned about punishment enemas this weekend

I've passed the steepest part of the learning curve with regards to administering enemas, but I am still at the point where I learn at least one thing every time I do it. I did a scene at SL which actually taught me quite a bit.

I had never played with this person before, so as a matter of being a responsible top I let him prepare the water. It turned out to be a very useful trick. For one thing, this guy's eyes were almost bigger than his backside and he mixed up quite a brew. So when he complained I reminded him of this, informing him that obviously he thought he deserved it. I can see myself playing this technique out further with a little sink discussion of what is going into the bag and how that balances out with whatever "offense" is being punished. May not work with everyone, but could likely work with the more submissive sort who is easily influenced, not to mention the overly eager.

OTK enemas are awesome. Now, obviously a good retention nozzle and an experienced bottom are in order (otherwise you need a kneeling towel and bathtub). I had not considered this at all until the bottom requested it, thinking that there would be too much pressure placed on the midsection. But I found that when this is done on a couch the bottom can adjust accordingly.

There was also the Hobson's choice I stumbled upon. Now, I already had a mean mix in the bag created by the bottom himself. He wanted a pause after a certain amount of solution, so I took the opportunity to pepper his backside with some hairbrush strokes after I clamped the hose. I told him I would quit when he took more solution, so I ended up with him begging me for more solution on a few occasions. That was a nice power trip. I am used to folks begging for the water to stop--not begging for more.

Threatening the party brat with an enema is definitely an effective technique. Now, I liked this fellow a lot, but he was certainly jonesing for some sort of comeuppance. It was rather amusing though to see the wheels turning when I brought the e-word up--not what he was expecting. He did calm down after that.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bad Boyz party at Shadowlane

A friend of mine was kind enough to take this shot. Yes, that is D.


BDSM and the spanking community

This weekend my partner and I went to the Shadowlane spanking convention in Las Vegas. It was my first, and his first in 7 years. I was not sure exactly what to expect, except that I was going to keep my eye on the Romans and try to do as they did. I've spent 5 years in the BDSM community and had enough exposure to the spanking community to know that they generally consider themselves to be a different kettle of fish.

I was correct in my assessment, in a very delightful way. The BDSM community has served me extremely well. It served as a first family of choice. I developed presentation and teaching skills there, discovered I possess more than my fair share of courage, stumbled upon and then learned a set of skills that enables me to take people to some really awesome places, and really had fun for the first time in my life.

But it never *quite* felt like home. I've struggled for the past year trying to put my finger on it. I almost got it when I went to a leather convention in January. But coming into this community finally made it click.

The BDSM community, at least in Phoenix, is dominated by Master/slave couples. Not everyone fits that category for sure, but those in positions of influence do. The majority is also large enough that I find myself fighting subcultural quirks on frequent occasions. Folks look at me, look at D, and immediately conclude he is a slave. They ask him to do stuff. They ask me permission before they hug him. They thank me for allowing them to play with my slave. They impose slave protocol on him during a scene without asking or really hearing him when he says that is a limit. No, it does not happen all of the time--but it does happen often enough. The most irritating thing is that most often comes from people who have known D for *15 years* and have been told by him multiple times that he is not a slave! On a few memorable occasions D (and I) have been told that someday we will grow into M/s--as if The Thing We All Do comes complete with it's own caste system.

I am a fairly advanced player. There seems to be the assumption that since I have a decent number of S/M skills I am also into M/s. I am not.

I can deal with that. I will joke about it or do what I need to in order to make my point and still help folks I otherwise adore save face. But then comes the more subtle aspects of being in a subculture where you are missing one big thing that most of the members of the "inner circles" have.

Having a slave is busy and difficult work. There are groups, blogs, sushi dinners, conferences, books, etc. devoted to the topic. People get together and talk about about it--and close friendships are formed. Where does that leave me?`Well, often trying to relate to people who would love to have a friendship with me, if only they they did not have so many MAst meetings to attend, that Master/slave contest to prepare for, that household function to run off to this weekend... Or the parties, where I ended up mum because I have nothing substantive to say about How Hard It Is To Be A Master.

I'll get to co-top the slaves. Heck, once I ended up in the middle of a ritual bloodletting scene for someone's slave because I had the skills and she did not. But that need, and that bond that forms between people based on a common need, is not there. What is worse is that many folks, at least according to my own somewhat jaundiced view, will take on those roles on the surface to fit in with everyone else. Buy a collar, have a ceremony, and bada bing! You are in!

The differences get even more subtle beyond this point. Because I don't have the same needs as the M/s folks I find myself a bit rattled by the apparent personality changes I see in people who take on those roles. There is a formality, at the minimum, as many Masters attempt to remain Masterly for the benefit of their slaves who perhaps expect that. And of course Goddess knows how many conversations I've had with slaves which were abruptly interrupted because Master needed something--if the slave is allowed to talk at all. I suppose this is to be expected to a large degree--after all these folks need a place to "be themselves" too and for many M/s is most emphatically a core part of their identity.

I've tried to point this out to folks in the community and found that the fish in the water usually can't see that the water exists.

So I made my debut in the spanking community in the form of the Shadowlane party this weekend--and I knew within 4 hours that things were going to be different in a most delightful way. Here were people who appreciate spanking in all of it's flavors and nuances, not just as a "beginners kink" which unfortunately seems to be the view of a decent chunk of the BDSM community. There are DD relationships among people who, from what I could tell, do not have the need to be fashioned into an instrument of service for the Master. Rather they crave structure, rules, and loving attempts to help them become who *they* are meant to become as well as to help them become courteous and effective life partners. I am OK with the desire to serve for the sake of service--but it just is not my kink. There were also some fantastic M/s folks there who knew better than to assume that we shared their kink.

I am already making friends. I have the same needs as these folks, and the same bonding points. What surprises me most is how often I bottomed. For me that is a huge marker of trust and comfort. I also reconnected with my need to discipline others. M/s folks in Phoenix especially go on and on about the spiritual significance of what they do. Well, the same is true for me when I put someone through a particularly intense disciplinary or cathartic scene. The pretenses come down, all action exists only in the Now, and I get to see the core of who that person is. What an honor--and what a bond!

I'll still visit the BDSM community here but I am no longer going to make the mistake of trying to live there. One of my goals in this coming year is to get the Phoenix spanking enthusiasts together. We definitely have a critical mass of awesome people already--time to expand the circle.

OK--end of long-overdue BDSM rant and on to spanking posts in the future.

Now--how the devil do I create a cut???

New Blog...

I have recently felt the need to create a spanking blog as I have recently made a very happy acquaintance with the spanking scene. More coming soon...