Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

The difference between a Dominant and a consensual sadist

I've been kicking around writing this post for awhile. This is actually the first thing I learned about the scene, thanks to a kindly Bostonian friend who both educated me and nudged at me until I walked into our local BDSM club alone for the first time. This is about both a definition of terms and about a piece of my scene identity (I have several scene identities but I will save that for a later post).

I can't remember what prompted her to define the difference between consensual sadism and Dominance for me, but I do know it proved useful as I have defined myself in the scene. I also have observed that people often get the two confused, which has the potential to wreak several kinds of havoc.

Now, disclaimer time here. A true sociopathic sadist does *not* want consent to cause pain. In the BDSM community we often joke that a true masochist and a true sadist would hate each other's guts because the masochist would like what the sadist was dishing out, thus denying the sadist his nonconsensual fix. A consensual sadist causes pain up to a point--that point being the cessation of the underlying enjoyment of the bottom. Some read the bottom's body language to determine that point and others rely on verbal communication, but most consensual sadists I talk to fear taking someone too far and go to great lengths to prevent that.

So here is the simple definition. A pure consensual sadist likes to cause pain. A pure dominant likes to control another person. Both can be done at the same time, but one can exist without the other. So, not everyone who spends most of their time wielding a whip (or whatever) is necessarily a Dominant. Now, when I use the term Dominant or submissive I am also referring to Masters and slaves, as they are on different points of the same control continuum.

I identify almost entirely as a consensual sadist when I am engaged in non-DD BDSM play. I don't give a rip whether someone is tied down or not, unless they ask (bondage can be used to cause pain, though often I hear that people like to use it to control someone else and make escape impossible). I don't care what they wear, so long as they are clean. If they want to have an orgasm, swell. They don't need my permission. I could care less if they call me ma'am--just don't call me late to dinner. In fact, if they direct a juicy bit of profanity at me after I have really gotten to them I consider it a bonus.

I have met very few kinks I did not like. Of those I don't like, most involve either too much unpleasantness to me or have too high a risk to pleasure ratio. The rest generally involve some sort of consensual pain or fear on the behalf of the recipient and that is where I live, so to me the different kinks are like different artistic media that I get to play around with. I like people who react and I have no desire to tell someone to stay still as I am doing whatever to them. If someone insists on being a stoic I will generally find a way to make them react. When I am functioning in this identity I don't inflict pain for any other purpose, really, than to get both myself and the masochist to a happy place.

I get confused for a BDSM Dominant often. So enter the Dominant. He may want to control the orgasms, control the reactions of the submissive, engage in scene protocol, insist on certain modes of address, tell the submissive what to wear, etc. If the relationship allows this control can be expanded into most aspects of the sub's life. I've met some Dominants who don't scene at all--their relationships consist entirely of obedience and service.

A pure dominant (or someone acting in a purely dominant mode for the moment) may use pain as a means of *control*. For many submissives I have talked to, bearing pain is something they do as a submissive act, not necessarily because they like it. This is not so unusual--if my read of military basic training is correct one of the primary goals is to train the recruits to follow orders no matter what is happening, even (and especially) if physical discomfort or pain is involved. Allowing a Dominant to do Really Scary Things to you and then realizing you came out OK can really build the trust necessary in those types of relationships. A true slave craves obedience--training him or her to be obedient under some sort of consensual duress is, from what I understand, a powerful mode of deepening his role.

In my neck of the woods pain takes on yet another dimension. Spirituality and M/s are closely linked within many prominent leather households here. Pain is often used in this dynamic to create a personal rite of passage (I've been through one myself) or to create spiritual receptiveness (I've talked to many folks who have had peak or revelatory experiences when placed under bodily stress). For that I refer the reader to the Native American Sun Dance, or the Modern Primitive Movement.

These reasons for causing pain are quite different from causing pain because the pain itself takes you both to a happy place.

Now, to confound matters more, people rarely fit in one box or the other. Many Dominants are sadistic, so they get more than just control from engaging in a pain scene. I mostly top for giggles, but once in a while I find myself in the middle of a cathartic scene and I realize I have just created a sacred space for some sort of rite of passage.

However, I think knowing the difference is crucial, especially if you are shopping for a scene partner. If you are not a masochist, do you want a sadist as a partner? Is you desire for submission deep enough to allow him or her that outlet with you? Do you both need to leave room in the relationship for him or her to play with masochists?

If you are primarily a masochist, perhaps it is better to think twice before jumping on the M/s bandwagon. D made that mistake a couple of times and the relationships ended in short order. I know of one other masochist who served several people before finally realizing he is a masochist. So now he seeks out those who can engage with him purely in a sadistic mode. If you see him play you will see he is clearly enjoying the scene, but nobody would confuse him for a sub.

If you are a mixture of both submissive and masochist, how does your mixture stack up to your potential partner's. Are you willing to stretch your limits, or do with less than you would ideally like to have?

And last but not least, if you are wanting physical punishment in your relationship and your partner is a sadist, are you sure he or she is going to have enough of a handle on that not to abuse his or her power? Are you also a masochist who likes non-punishment pain scenes? Does the sadist have another outlet? Is the sadistic itch strong enough that he or she needs one? That would definitely need to be worked out ahead of time, starting first by making clear that different pain scenes have different purposes and should be treated as such.

And of course, these same considerations are very relevant to those on the Top side as well.