SL Party Report...

We will see how far I get today:

Thursday:
The drive was nice, though I am not sure I am the long road trip sort. Last year I was able to share the duty with D and an automatic transmission rental car. My financial stars were not so well aligned this year, so I was the sole driver of my stick shift pickup. We arrived at the hotel, unloaded the truck, and promptly ate. After that I started to look for fellow party goers. I was debating with myself already whether to crash in bed or find the party. I got to reconnect with Mr. Shiny a bit after a year and also got to know our delightful room neighbors. After this D, myself, and a couple of other folks went off in search of The SL Thursday Group--or at least a group. It was at this point fatigue proved itself to be the better part of my valor. I was just not up to socializing and felt some funky energy off the group we kept running into, so I excused myself and turned in.

Friday:
I got up with D, got cleaned up, ironed my shirt, curled my hair, ate my breakfast (yes, this dry recitation of my AM routine DOES have a point), and tidied up the room. I then announced my departure. D looked at me with his innocent and genuinely puzzled blue eyes and asked why I was in such a hurry. The man was still in his tighty whities, unfed, unbathed, and watching the news. I debated whether or not to stay while he ate--quiet room breakfasts were supposed to be part of this trip. However, the rambling MSN cable health care debate was now giving me a headache and I wanted to meet some people already. So I excused myself and went to the cafe downstairs.

I ran into a couple of my Phoenix friends who had arrived after I had retired for the night. They had just ordered their breakfast. They asked where D was and without much thought I stated he was "dawdling." The breakfast came and they ate as I sipped coffee. D came down just as they were leaving and appeared genuinely shocked that they were off so soon. We sat and talked to others as the tables simply changed SL hands. I then helped a friend sort out his SL group lunch plans as the restaurant he had intended to use was not going to be open. We then had a delightful lunch with about 25 SLers. The group was growing even as I left for my first session.

It was after this I had my first scene with an LV local. This was a spanking/punishment enema scene and the energy was just as good as it was last year. This fellow does not fly--he just howls (evil giggle). Yeah, I had fun. I am not sure what attracts some bottoms to more punishing scenes (I am not that kind of bottom). However, I am certainly glad such bottoms exist.

I was pretty spent after this so I sacked out for a nap, then got ready for the Vendor's Faire with Dana. I wore an austere black outfit that apparently brought at least one fellow back to his catholic school days. From what I learned some nuns were allowed to ditch the habit in more recent years for something akin to what I wore.

It was here that the party finally caught up with D. Now, my Phoenix friends have (had) this wonderful paddle made of a Hawaiian wood. It met an unfortunate initial demise when it first met D's behind and finally gave up the ghost on the next behind it encountered. What I did not know is that C (one of my Phoenix friends) sent the paddle back to it's maker for "recycling." She recovered enough of the orginal wood to make a smaller piece--then backed it up with a slightly softer wood for greater durability. The resulting paddle has since been dubbed "Gemini." The maker looked at me innocently and told me it was a "heaven and hell" piece as one of the sides *is* made of a softer wood. After seeing it in action I decided that "hell and purgatory" is a more accurate descriptor. This puppy is not gonna break.

"M"--my other Phoenix friend--weilded it with enough of a vengeance to get to my experienced, kevlar upholstered partner and at one point brought him to his knees. Few things truly get to D--but he was rubbing his posterier like a truly chastened little boy after this encounter. Of course M and I spent the rest of the Vendors Faire reminding him that his *real* session was coming up afterwards!!

I attended the switch men vs women party afterwards without much of a thought to D's fate. That event was quite a hoot. Since the women were outnumbered 2 to 1 we got to choose our spankers when we lost a competition and use implements on the losers if we won. I was nice (hey! I can be nice!) since I did not know many of the guys there. Well, mostly nice. Sorta. I did leave the canes alone.

I went in search of D afterwards and eventually found him in our room. Now, like many male bottoms I have met, D has been in search of the elusive cathartic scene for most of his scene life. Apparently, he got it. He was in a *very* chastened place that also happened to orbit the planet Pluto.

I deconstructed it later with the top. Now, remember I had briefly mentioned D's "dawdling" earlier in the day. She used that to scold him, and as the scene progressed whaled on his already tenderized butt with canes. Apparently the "dawdling" scolding hit some deeper places within him and he was able to let go.

This definitely gave me pause. Now, I am quite able to do cathartic scenes, help people release their guilt if that is their desire, and also do punishment scenes *if asked* by the bottom. Where I fall short though is in *creating rules* and then enforcing them. It is not that I can't create rules--it is just that placing another person under *my* authority gives me the squicks. I have enough skeletons and ghosts in my closet regarding authority figures to populate an entire haunted house. Feeling evil in the real (albeit false) sense does not make for good top space.

Yet--I did see how D benefited. He is *not* the sort who is ever going to ask directly for discipline. He does need it though. I talked to M about helping me. In the long term I am not sure if I can get past this block myself, or if I am going to have to send D to someone else on occasion to give him what he needs. M, fortunately, is someone who I trust enough to go either way with.

I will say though that D did not dawdle for the rest of the trip--and I did not have to book a separate room to avoid non-stop news related headaches.

More later...

DD log

First of two posts about yesterday...

OK--last week was a rough one for D and I and he got off track on his exercise. I did not.

We went to a dungeon party yesterday after having some dinner with friends. Now, on my way to the dinner I notified him that he had 4 cane strokes coming for failing to exercise.

Then I realized something else. My hard drive did fail last week. The computer spanking episode was it's last gasp. It stayed on after that until I could arrange repairs. I have a spanko techie friend who came over Thursday to have a look. Basically the thing was DOA and would not turn on after we put it back together. Yes, my data got backed up before we turned it off.

Anyhow, we noticed that the CPU case was full of dust. Upon looking for the cause of said dust we noticed dust all over the desk and around it. D came in at that point and my friend notified him that he had an assignment to get rid of that dust. D agreed...

...And failed to tell me that he did not completely understand the assignment. He therefore failed to do it.

So as I was assessing him for 4 strokes I realized this and tacked a 5th stroke on.

Well, the friends we went to dinner with is actually the family of my spanko techie friend. This subject did come up, and she decided she needed to discipline him herself after my caning with 25 strokes from a very large, very holey frat style paddle.

Yikes!

Now, the reason I only assessed 5 strokes was because I realized in practicing the judicial caning that I had more ability with a cane than I realized. I can't do the 360 degree throw with a 4 ft cane safely quite yet but I certainly can with a 2 ft cane. That alone was no joke. I had ("had" being the key word here) 2 inexpensive everyday canes that became the "sacrifice". Both exploded on their second stroke leaving me with one more--which I did with a longer, much nicer cane my friend offered to me. That last stroke, D reported, was the most severe he has ever received. The man has a kevlar caboose--so I was impressed this got through to him.

He received quite the paddling from both of us afterwards.

When I am better I am going to rummage around and find that old discipline log I made last September. D needs more discipline than I thought and I need to start keeping track of it.

What happened to the Domestic Discipline??

It's back.

It went away for a few months there because of stress. I had just gotten out of D back in September that he wanted a loose DD dynamic to our relationship. Nothing very stringent--it is just that there are a couple of good habits he wants to adopt.

Shortly after we started a DD plan the Economy struck, my job became a soap opera, and I got a bit depressed.

Well, the economy still stinks but we have gotten used to our new budget, the fellow causing the soap opera at work quit, and that ritual scene I participated in several weeks ago snapped me out of my funk. I've taken the necessary steps to stay out of the funk.

Which leads me to the little matter of D's wristwatch. Despite the small size of our condo we have 3 pieces of exercise equipment in one end of the living room. There is the NordicTrac and the Bow Flex that I use (along with a small collection of free weights) and then there is the stationary bike D is supposed to be using.

Now, I re-upped my exercise efforts as an antidote to the blues and was gratified over the last few days to see that D had his wristwatch on the "dashboard" part of the exercise bike. It was comforting. It meant he was working out and timing it. The man is very ritualistic with his stuff so I figured that watch was there with a purpose. I don't expect the man to turn into Charles Atlas--I just want him to maintain basic cardiovascular health.

Well, my exercise fantasy bubble got popped today when D asked me if I had seen his wristwatch. I told him it was on the exercise bike. He commented "Well that just shows how long it has been since I have used that watch!"

Ahem.

Once I collected my thoughts I told him that it was also an indicator of how long it had been since he had used that bike!

He had sworn up and down a few weeks ago that he could remember to exercise without the DD.

Apparently not.

So the DD is back. I told him it is back and to start using the thing 10 min a day, 5 days a week.

Later I playfully whacked him with a hairbrush. He lay on the bed and I dug out the 3 ft remains of a Singapore cane that I had broken months ago and whacked him with it about 10 times. I ended up with an instant contrite little boy--who seemed to listen more attentively when I told him the exercise is going to happen from now on.

It is going to happen from now on. And yeah, D just looked over my shoulder a minute ago to see what I am writing and winced.

Play Party

The scene worked well. I won't post much about it for the sake of confidentiality, but it was a punishment scene that morphed into a cathartic scene (I worked in tandem with this person's Dominant/Master and used scolding over real issues to help trigger a catharsis that the person needed). I sometimes end up in the role of "henchman" or "beta Top" for a dominant who is not a strong sadist which is more or less what happened in this case. Given that I am not strongly into D/s or M/s I rather like the role. Someone else can deal with the rules and the service, I can deal out the discipline, and life is good for everyone.

I had another singletail scene with D. I've been practicing my "butterfly kisses" (just getting the string "brush" at the end of the knot to brush the person) and I am getting better at it. Enough repetition apparently gives a person the ability to see things they could not see before--in this case the depth of a stroke on skin in a dark dungeon. On of my mentors suggests putting out a candle in the dark with a singletail for practice--I might try that one of these days.

The begging and pleading of bottoms

So I have a scene planned tomorrow that may turn out to be a combination of punishment and catharsis.

At issue is to warm up or not to warm up. Kinda wondering if said bottom has been snooping out my blog.

My stance is that this person will get what is needed, and if warm up figures in somehow than that will happen. I have my ways of describing general patterns I see, but I also like scenes to *work* especially if the bottom really needs something in particular from it or if a combination of actions produced the desired result in the past.

But still...

What is this business of this person telling me their behind was never that tough. Or that what they can take may turn out to be pathetic?

My, my, my.

Somebody is feeling a bit...nervous?

I love scenes that start a day before I pick up an implement ;-)

No Warmup?

Something Radagast (Radspace) posted a few days ago got me thinking:

The assumption with most scenes is that the Top will do some sort of warm-up to ease the bottom into things and get the endorphins flowing gradually.

IME--This is an example of one of those things that should be taken as a useful guideline, not a hard and fast rule. In other words, if you see a no warmup scene in the dungeon don't freak out and start thinking the Top is a lousy player. In my travels I've actually collected a surprisingly large number of instances in which a warmup would actually work *against* the scene.

1. Punishment (discipline). Rad described this one well. Whether you are getting punished for something real or doing punishment for a role play punishment should--well--hurt. Folks I know who have punishment as a kink have it precisely because they get something out of the fear, shock, and the fact that their endorphins are never allowed to overshadow the pain. If one wants punishment simply for behavior modification then it needs to be adversive. Scenes with warmups are not adversive. So for punishment (real or Memorex) I start out hard and work up to harder. For the initial swats I want shock and awe, but I don't want the person to kick me in the nose, suddenly develop the strength to move cars, or fly through a wall (with or without me in tow). So I don't pick up the 3/4 inch thick cocobolo 16 hole BottomBlaster 2000 at this point. I pick up a wooden hairbrush made of a softer (but still hard) wood.

The BottomBlaster comes out later as the endorphins kick in and I still want to continue getting the same reaction (if the punishment *needs* to last that long). In my experience it is the disappointment of the Top that punishes at least as much as the swats in a punishment scene that is intended to help alter real behavior. In more of a role play situation, it is the fear of the relentlessness of the top and the loss of control that does the emotional work to compliment the physical swats.

2. Cathartic scenes: Pretty much the same thing--except the intent is different. In the punishment scene I present a stern, impersonal, no-nonsense face. After the scene I may reassure the person that I still love *them* (but not the behavior). But there is no long aftercare.

In a cathartic scene I first want a general idea of why the person needs it. Do they need to grieve something? Has life gotten so stressful that they have gone emotionally numb? Are they blocked either creatively or in their ability to solve a problem? I figure that out (vague is OK) and ask them to start to sit with those feelings and hold them nonjudgmentally the best they can. That starts to prime the pump. Then I spend time looking them in the eye and I ask them if they trust me to give them what they need. When I feel the bond I can begin. The object here is to shock the mind out of its defensiveness and out of its distractions. It is rather hard to keep something suppressed or keep rationalizing something away if one's mind keeps getting yanked back to *swat* NOW *swat* NOW *swat* NOW, etc.

Verbal comments may break the dam if one has enough information to provide effective ones. Of course the catharsis can come in the form of laughing, crying, having a temper tantrum, etc. I end up spanking (or flogging) well into the initial show of emotions. There is this bone in most people's heads that goes into shame mode when emotions start to flow strongly. Continuing the spanking quiets that down just as it quiets down any other monkey mind antics the brain pulls. I've had people go through waves of all sorts of different emotions at the business end of a flogger or cane. The top, IMO, is definitely in service mode for this. One cannot stop until it is "done" regardless of achy shoulders or sweaty toy handles.

Aftercare is the polar opposite of the punishment scene. You have now become a minister of sorts and after the scene is over your job is to stay with that person, transmitting love without judgment and without "trying to soothe the pain away" until that person is done with whatever they need to process. Check-ins the next day are critical. I've heard of scenes going so deep that the Top does not leave the bottom that night, especially if the bottom does not have another supporter to go to.

Now punishment scenes can go cathartic. If I have a bottom I have punished for failing to keep track on his diet and suddenly he starts sobbing and raging about how his mother pulled "Mommy Dearest" tricks with his food when he was a child, obviously I am going to scrap the punishment aftercare subroutine and go with the same aftercare I would use for a catharsis. It is not a reward at this point--the person has obviously come to the core of some of *why* he has misbehaved and sticking around can help him heal it.

3. Rite of Passage. I've been through this twice, though not with spanking. There is really no warmup for an 8 gauge hook. Piercing or tatooing often get used as a rite of passage in our (mainstream) culture. "Hey I got divorced and then got this cool tatoo of a butterfly on my back! This is symbolic of my metamorphosis and new freedom." Rite of passage can be used as a bookmark, as a symbol that something has changed, or as a way to discover new strengths. A slave who takes a nose piercing (painful) and then puts in a large piece of jewelry at the behest of her owner and goes about her business for a week (embarrassing) has simultaneously marked her passage into being this master's property, has acknowledged the change, and has discovered that she can cope with physical pain, emotional fear, and social embarrassment (making her a stronger person)

4. Going for a spiritual experience. Fast for 2 days, then hang off the ground by two hooks in your chest. You might just see the light. On a more subtle note, flooding your body with shock and endorphins might thin the veil between you and whatever your belief system is. You might hear from God, or the gods, or the Universe, or what have you. You might get "hits" regarding what you need to do next to fulfill your life mission.

5. Ordeal #1: How much can I take? How far can I go? Can I really do *that*? Interrogation scenes fall into this category. No warmup there. I once saw an interrogation scene which resulted in one of the bottoms being reassured of the depth of his love for his fiance. Beautiful stuff. Sometimes though you just want to know if you can take 9 judicial style cane strokes. Or whatever. Some people are thrill seekers and limit pushers: "Can I sack that peak? Can I run 50 miles through Death Valley in midsummer? Can I play with that singletail top going full tilt?

This one can go really stupid though. If extremely masochistic bottom A challenges Insecure Ego Top B that the Top will tire before the bottom does, you have a recipe for trouble. I won't play this way, but if someone took away my conscience I could really do some damage with 1,000 cuts of a singletail before I would tire out. Not smart. Especially if you have a poor sense of when you physically have had enough--and when you are nearly delirious with pain that sense will be poor. Extreme pain *confuses* the brain.

6. Ordeal #2: Obedience. How much can I take for my Master? Does my capability to obey have a limit? Can go stupid--but also can be used to bond slave and Master if used well. It can also be used to push on phobias and fear areas and thus aid growth--if used very carefully. Warmup? Not likely.

And no--these are not nice neat categories in real life. There is plenty of room for overlap. However, they come in handy when I am negotiating. If I am lucky the prospective bottom tells me "That is what I want! I did not have the words for it though and nobody else ever talks about that particular thing!"

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

The Disposition of D's Derriere

Why, yes, I did break two canes over D's backside yesterday. The canes were junk after I was done--I could not even trim them shorter. So I figured I'd better post on what the aftereffects are.

The short answer: Not much.

D has a reputation in Phoenix for being a Iron Butt. I prefer to think of it as a Kevlar Caboose, but anyway...

It is a very subtle shade of pink. There are a few light red cane strokes. The skin is a just a tad rougher in texture. That's it. No black and blue whatsoever. His behind is sensitive when I smack it with my hand. I have left worse damage on a mere mortal using one fifth of the force. It looked impressive for a whole hour, then rapidly assumed it's present state.

Nope, I am not disappointed. He got the point of the discipline and he feels loved. He is in the headspace he has wanted to be in for years, but could not admit. That is more than good enough for me.

Now, anyone have any suggestions for a hardcore skin moisturizer? Something that would work on rough elbows? No, I am not going to use a cheese grater or a circular sander so please let's not go there ;-).

OK, so now the details....

D just got his punishment spanking for chronic and pervasive failure to communicate his true desires to me (and for spilling his guts to a stranger while leaving me out of the loop). Supernanny (I hope she does not mind me referring to her as that here) came to coach me through it. I thought we were going to go 50/50 on the session but I proved to be a quick study and my intuition kicked in almost immediately.

He is sitting gingerly now. Considering the level of the offense (quite high) I used the cane. OK, I used two canes and they sort of had to be retired afterwards. Now I need to pester my local vendor buddy for more cheap rattan canes. The whole affair was over in about 15 minutes, including corner time, mouth soaping, lecturing, and spanking. D said he did not know what hit him. We did a double check with him afterwards--yes he still wants and needs the DD dynamic. This spanking was really not a whole lot worse than some I have given him in the dungeon for play (D has a tough hide from lots of play in the 90's)--it was just a heck of a lot faster with no warm-up. The scolding and the intent of the spanking made all the difference as far as distinguishing this from playtime. That is one thing I am watching closely. I want to make sure that in the end discipline acts as a deterrent, even if he does not perceive it as entirely negative (he might have a nice afterglow tomorrow and already said he felt cared for even as I was doing it).

So, because D caused me 5 years of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to his lack of communication, I am going to make good on my threat to post his rules here. These rules are a product of knowing the man for 5 years so they are all sorely needed. Below I am posting his discipline schedule. Of course both are subject to change. With regard to the final rule--no I am not trying to be funny. He already has leather butt. He came to me with it.

D’s House Rules

1. Exercise for at least 10 minutes 4 days a week. You can either ride the stationary bike or go for a walk. Increase exercise time for a minute each week until you have reached 20 minutes.
   

2. Participate in “Chore Time” on the weekend. We will clean the house together each weekend, splitting the tasks as evenly as possible. Wednesday will assign tasks to D. Lift items properly to avoid back problems.
   

3. Learn or practice at least one skill each week. This could be a cleaning skill, a computer skill, or a cooking skill.
   

4. When between temp job assignments or out of work go job hunting 5 days a week unless prevented by illness or an appointment. Take no more than one week off between job assignments before starting to search.
   

5. When employed get health insurance from either the temp agency or a private carrier. Do it within one week of employment unless broke.
   

6. Go to bed by 11 PM on the weekdays. Go to bed by midnight on the weekends, unless we are at a function that lasts later than that.
   

7. COMMUNICATE!!! Don’t be hiding any more secret desires from Miss Wednesday—it really pisses her off and then she writes embarrassing things in her blog!
   

8. Visit the doctor without delay when problems arise. Get an annual physical.
   

9. Floss your teeth every day. Special flossers will be provided so you will not have to fight with string.
   

10. Moisturize rear every day with lotion.

D’s Discipline Schedule

1. Demerits will be added up throughout the week and noted in the Weekly Task Log. Discipline will be meted out on the weekend.

2. If there are no demerits present D may still be subject to a “maintenance spanking.”

3. Discipline will consist of spanking and CP, corner time, scolding, grounding, and mouth soaping. Any or all of these methods of discipline will be used at Wednesday's discretion.

4. Good boy spankings can be earned with good behavior.

Mt. Vesuvius Erupts...

I am feeling better, though my work shift is going to do weird things the next 3 days so I don't know how much I will be posting in that period of time.

For now though, I just need to write.

So in our last episode of "As Miss Wednesday's Lines Turns" D had just confessed his desire to have a disciplinarian in his life to both me and our new friend.

So I was much confused last night when he seemed to be wobbling on that. You see, I have been through 5 years of being strung along regarding this. I tried to start this years ago--and he would express a desire and then withdraw consent. I never could quite tell if he wanted his spankings to remain in the realm of role play or cross the line into real discipline. His mouth would say one thing and my empathic read on him would say another. I got so confused and frustrated that I gave up a year or two ago. My last hurrah came after I joined an F/ m DD site, only to have him recoil in fear when he learned what it was *really* about. I had visited that, Disciplinary Wives, tried every communication trick in the book--no soap.

So I was pleased when he finally coughed up his desire, thought we were back to square one last night--and then I came home tonight...

...And saw that he was chatting with our new friend. We are all open with each other and I knew she would not mind, so while he was hauling up the last load of groceries I took a peek. I saw that he did not run and hide when she mentioned grounding him.

WTF?? Jesus Christ on a rubber raft what was going on here??!!!

That was it. The fuse was lit and when he put the last load of groceries down I 'sploded. I don't get truly angry often at all but I certainly got there today.

Mind you, I was *not* mad at our new friend. Heck she had just gotten out of D something that has been stuck in him 57 years. I was just pissed that he could not trust *me* enough to tell me this!

So after I hollered at him I talked to our new friend and asked for some help. We all eventually came to the conclusion that sometimes it is easier to tell a stranger who seems to understand than someone close to you. I also made clear to her that I want him to get his discipline, even if I don't get to dish it out. I can't love someone this much and deny him something that close to his heart. We agreed to have her mentor me and in the future I'd love to split it up with her somehow if she is willing.

So, it looks like I have a mentor. I've been assigned the task of making out a list of rules for him to abide by. Considering all the pain and anguish he has put me through on this one I might just be puckish enough to post them here! We have a number of local disciplinarians who will be *very* interested in what I come up with. Hey, suggestions welcome folks!

Then we will go on to step 2--probably after a good spanking for lack of communication!

Stay tuned folks, for the next installment of "As Wednesday's Lines Turn"!

Domestic Discipline

I met D 5 years ago and he has been living with me for 3 years. In that time I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals about whether or not he wanted a domestic discipline arrangement. They were mixed enough that we never tried. He would talk to me about personal behaviors that bothered him and recite fantasies about being taken in hand, but when I would try to negotiate reality with him he would recoil in fear.

So yesterday we ate dinner and then had a session with a wonderful female top D had just met in a spanking chat room. She made it clear that she does not like role play and would rather discipline over real stuff. D was so turned on that he let me rattle off a list of "real stuff" and when we got to our home the punishment commenced. One of the bones of contention was D's unfillfilled promises to exercise. He is in his 50s and there is a good gap between us in age. Both of us want him to be around and spankable for lots of years to come. My parents had decided to get rid of some exercise equipment about 2 or so years ago and so we had hauled a bowflex for me and a stationary bike for him up the stairs. And the bike sat and got used as a clothes drying rack. He wanted to use it and agreed to it before we hauled the 200+ pound behemoth up the stairs--but then it sat.

So he got corner time, his first mouth soaping with some leftover Ivory soap from the SL weekend, and a good OTK paddling. After his paddling he was dispatched to the exercise bike to sit. Instead the man started to exercise, right there, sitting on his red behind!!! So we let him go for awhile and peeked out the door of the bedroom to see him diligently exercising with his red shirt and almost equally red caboose.

And I was scared. I was afraid this was going to backfire, that he would have a bad reaction, that he would feel the way he felt back at some NY clubs in the 80s.

And in that 10 minutes all the reasons that have kept us from taking this leap went through my mind. D had to join the BDSM scene some 20 odd years ago because there were no spanking only options. The scene was far more "Old Guardish" then than it is now. So he got spanking and a lot of stuff that just does not work for him. On one occasion he was simply sent to the corner and ignored while his lady tops whooped it up elsewhere. He did not want to be a slave, jumping to commands. He did not want to be treated as an object, sitting in a corner until needed for service. Other folks there had those needs, but not D.

Unfortunately this experience and others put the filter in his mind that said: discipline=objectification. To have rules meant that he would automatically end up at the extreme and become an object whose sole purpose was to serve it's owner. We had talks about it, but I did not know what the heck I was doing either. I had no DD models and the M/s ones kept steering us in a direction we did not want to go when I brought this up. I knew D needed discipline and structure without the slavehood, but I had no good map of what that looked like.

I did find some DD sites on the web--and here is where my hangups kicked in. I am not a psychotherapist, but I do work in the social services field. I have to provide lay counseling on a regular basis for folks trying to meet vocational and other goals. There is a particular set of techniques for that, none of which include punishment. I was taught punishment was Bad, would lead to other maladaptive behaviors, and just Never Works. You could have natural consequences. You could put a kid in time out until he quit knocking holes in all the walls of the house. But no punishment.

I am quite open minded and not well domesticated in a lot of respects. ;-) I dove into BDSM into both feet, tried everything I could manage from both ends, and did not feel a tinge of guilt--until I contemplated DD.

Yesterday I read a post on Radspace (see blog list) about disciplinary spanking and a light went on in my head. I had done it a few times with people other than DD despite my misgivings and it had really turned my crank on a lot of levels. At that moment I realized that it is a kink, silly.

Non-consensual slavery is illegal in this country and condemned by most. It is so condemned that those who practice the consensual version have a lot of problems when they try to describe their interest to outsiders. I have all kinds of problems describing it and usually get met with some form of "that is just wrong."

No it ain't. It is a need. Slavery is outlawed because it does not work for *most* people and because doing things non-consensually is Just Wrong (now, I am not talking here of consensual non-consensuality). This does not mean that there is not a subset of the population for which slavery fits and fills a deep identity need.

And last night both I and D groked that adult discipline is a need too, for a small subset of the population. D woke up this AM, cuddled into me, and told me he felt more like himself than he has for a long time. He had deeply feared this, jumped off the cliff anyway, and apparently has landed someplace he has always wanted to go. He loves the "little boy" identity and feels it today, with a difference. He wants to be not the little boy that wants to escape adult life, but the little boy who wants to follow rules he agrees are good for him, better himself, and remain a good partner for me. The discipline works because it is a need, not just something imposed from the outside.

I mentioned to the lady who visited us yesterday that she was like a kinky angelic Supernanny. I think that is more true than not.