Going to Tucson this weekend

My Shadowlane consolation prize is going to end up being this weekend--though it turns out it won't have a whole lot to do with spanking. It will still be a blast. Look at _The Islander_ for a hint and stay tuned for a report there if you dare ;-). Next weekend I will be less busy--though I am doing a paddling demo for an SM 101 at one of our BDSM groups.

Figging and Caning

This post is a bit late but since Jenni Mack advertised this on her blog the least I could do would be to post how it turned out.

The local "Next Generation" BDSM group (for younger folks) asked me to do a demo at APEX. We have an arrangement with APEX whereby we will do a couple of events for them per quarter. It definitely helps the poor programming committee.

They asked me to do figging. I was rather reluctant. Although my private play and party figging sessions are generally a big hit, I have had some bad karma when it comes to trying to do this at a demo. Gingerroot will go projectile, or fail to burn, or whatnot. This time I insisted on finding and testing a bottom first. It worked well and I booked the demo.

And she got ill the day before the demo. Fortunately she did make it with the help of narcotic cough syrup, but this precipated a frantic search for a backup. I found a backup who would do it under the condition of being tied up. I am a mediocre bondage artist at best, so D became my crash test dummy 3 hours before the demo (at which point I discovered the man likes bondage. I think I am not going to stay mediocre for long).

The demo was fantastic. January is the season for gingerrroot somewhere on the planet and my local oriental market found this place, evidently. They had beautiful hands there with fingers nearly as thick as my wrist. I had to carve off a lot of "meat" to create a functional plug. Turns out they were *strong* too. The anal plug I made nearly tapped out my bottom.

I discovered anal plugs burn more intensely than vaginal ones. Makes sense. Any lube kills the burn and one orifice produces it's own. I combined caning with the figging (as figging alone was not enough time to fill 2 hours) and had the good fortune of decorating two behinds with the cane.

Lots of yumminess. D started acting up and another audience member who has a fondness for helping D get what he needs managed to get him to stand in the corner in front of the audience. At this point a friend of mine gave him quite a spanking on stage. I love audience participation.

Teaching S/M skills makes me hot and seems to be becoming a part of my scene identity. Not sure what it is about it. I get the audience going with my warped sense of humor, but I also love doing research and presenting my findings as well. People always tell me that they learned something they did not know. I always learn something in the process of preparing for a demo. Often I learn stuff during the demo as someone will ask me a question and I will use the demo bottom to come up with the answer (ie: which burns more--an anal or vaginal plug? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?)

That and using a skill that was the result of overcoming a major phobia (public speaking, needles) seems to add to the charge of the situation.

My Birthday

Ok--let's see how far I get on this try...

Sunday was my birthday. Saturday I went to the Tucson BDSM dungeon to do a demo I had committed to several months ago. At first I was not thrilled at having to spend money at this particular time, but the trip proved to be well worth it.

First the spanking part :-). At SL I had purchased a "Birthday" paddle which was meant to be used on the birthday person and then subsequently signed. So I took it out at the conclusion of my demo and invited any women to give D smacks on my behalf at the following play party. I also told the group that as of Sunday I would be legally old enough to run for president.

I was quite touched by the outcome. A woman D has been wanting to play with for over a year finally got her chance to spank him. She likes the domestic aspect of spanking so much that she conscripted a few men to move one of the dungeon couches out of the voyeur area and into the play space. So D got a nice OTK spanking, paddling, and strapping by her, me, and three other ladies. During one of the SL demos I did I recieved a nice plastic paddle that turned out to be perfect for a beginning top. I handed it to a nice young lady who happily gave him several swats. She now wants to come up to Phoenix once in a while to spank D and do some other things (more on that below).

When the first lady had to take a shift in the DM chair a second one took over with canes. I think D got 2 hours of attention total and was one very happy boy. Even better, the young lady took it upon herself to get the paddle signed by everyone in the dungeon. It came back with birthday wishes and even a few well wishes for any future presidential campaign I care to run!

Now for the non-spanking part. A word of caution here--if medical play squicks you out you might want to give this second part a miss. I have crossed the line into having a hard core medical play kink in the last year (I think when you can rattle off 5 different ways to sterilize something, can define a bacterial spore and the four parts of the male urethra, and you write Santa for a stove top autoclave you meet the definition of hard core).

The demo was about male urethral sounding. I am not sure how many demos I have done in the past 4 years, but this was by far the most technical and advanced topic I have presented and required the most research. My first task was to convince folks that you can't sterilize stuff by boiling, alcohol, bleach, or baking. My second task was to convince folks that sticking toothbrush handles and other odd objects into that part of the male anatomy is Very Bad. People who have this particular kink from the bottom side seem to like it intensely and I have heard one too many stories that have made me sprout yet another grey hair.

The timing for having to prep for this demo was not the best, but otherwise the whole process was a lot of fun. I have a geeky side that grooves on the science stuff I had to research and present--so the audience got a lot of it. Dunno if it bored them--I don't think it did. This topic always generates all kinds of questions. I veered towards the conservative side (to the point of suggesting sterile gloves and showing folks the proper way to use them--thank goodness for generous nurse mentors). I think though that is the best way to go. The demo bottom was a sounding virgin (a risky thing from a demo production standpoint--more in another post). I noted that after my talk in the first half the only fear he expressed was over how it was going to feel. He loved it--fortunately his dominant has access to an autoclave and works in a tatoo shop so he is in excellent hands. I think more people will be willing to try it after witnessing him.

I then got stopped at the party by a self professed risk and germ adverse submissive who wanted me to sound him. I had to use some short ones as I had used my beginner's sound on sub #1, but he did give it a good try. It turned out not to be his thing but that is quite alright.

The best part of the party though came when I was able to meet a lady that both I and Medical Dom (mostly Medical Dom) have been courting on Collarme. Medical Dom and I have an odd arrangement. I am mildly to moderately masochistic. He is masochistic in a very narrow range. And, we are both heavy tops. So when we play sometimes it starts out with both of us brandishing our metaphorical dinner knives trying to figure out who is going to eat whom. We need a bottom badly.

So anyhow, I met the lady during the demo and D's spanking--and she was keen to try some medical play. She had already established some trust in me after watching me sound 2 sounding virgins and had also been able to play with D and watch our interactions. I watched her bottom to a well known Tucson Top and saw that she did fine, so we found the dungeon gyno table and I did some speculum play on her. It was her first time with this sort of play after years of doctor fantasies. I think it is going to be a long time before I find someone who beats her single scene orgasm record. That scene was very, very sweet. I have made another speculum convert and met a very sweet lady to boot. Hopefully we get to see her in Phoenix soon.

Not a bad birthday at all. :-)

Post coming...

Yesterday I presented a demo in the Tucson dungeon (I had committed to it back in May). Much fun to be had, particularly since it is my birthday today. D got to take my spankings yesterday at the play party which followed the demo. I am still tired, but tomorrow I will post about it. Some of it will be spanking related, and some of it will not.

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

The difference between a Dominant and a consensual sadist

I've been kicking around writing this post for awhile. This is actually the first thing I learned about the scene, thanks to a kindly Bostonian friend who both educated me and nudged at me until I walked into our local BDSM club alone for the first time. This is about both a definition of terms and about a piece of my scene identity (I have several scene identities but I will save that for a later post).

I can't remember what prompted her to define the difference between consensual sadism and Dominance for me, but I do know it proved useful as I have defined myself in the scene. I also have observed that people often get the two confused, which has the potential to wreak several kinds of havoc.

Now, disclaimer time here. A true sociopathic sadist does *not* want consent to cause pain. In the BDSM community we often joke that a true masochist and a true sadist would hate each other's guts because the masochist would like what the sadist was dishing out, thus denying the sadist his nonconsensual fix. A consensual sadist causes pain up to a point--that point being the cessation of the underlying enjoyment of the bottom. Some read the bottom's body language to determine that point and others rely on verbal communication, but most consensual sadists I talk to fear taking someone too far and go to great lengths to prevent that.

So here is the simple definition. A pure consensual sadist likes to cause pain. A pure dominant likes to control another person. Both can be done at the same time, but one can exist without the other. So, not everyone who spends most of their time wielding a whip (or whatever) is necessarily a Dominant. Now, when I use the term Dominant or submissive I am also referring to Masters and slaves, as they are on different points of the same control continuum.

I identify almost entirely as a consensual sadist when I am engaged in non-DD BDSM play. I don't give a rip whether someone is tied down or not, unless they ask (bondage can be used to cause pain, though often I hear that people like to use it to control someone else and make escape impossible). I don't care what they wear, so long as they are clean. If they want to have an orgasm, swell. They don't need my permission. I could care less if they call me ma'am--just don't call me late to dinner. In fact, if they direct a juicy bit of profanity at me after I have really gotten to them I consider it a bonus.

I have met very few kinks I did not like. Of those I don't like, most involve either too much unpleasantness to me or have too high a risk to pleasure ratio. The rest generally involve some sort of consensual pain or fear on the behalf of the recipient and that is where I live, so to me the different kinks are like different artistic media that I get to play around with. I like people who react and I have no desire to tell someone to stay still as I am doing whatever to them. If someone insists on being a stoic I will generally find a way to make them react. When I am functioning in this identity I don't inflict pain for any other purpose, really, than to get both myself and the masochist to a happy place.

I get confused for a BDSM Dominant often. So enter the Dominant. He may want to control the orgasms, control the reactions of the submissive, engage in scene protocol, insist on certain modes of address, tell the submissive what to wear, etc. If the relationship allows this control can be expanded into most aspects of the sub's life. I've met some Dominants who don't scene at all--their relationships consist entirely of obedience and service.

A pure dominant (or someone acting in a purely dominant mode for the moment) may use pain as a means of *control*. For many submissives I have talked to, bearing pain is something they do as a submissive act, not necessarily because they like it. This is not so unusual--if my read of military basic training is correct one of the primary goals is to train the recruits to follow orders no matter what is happening, even (and especially) if physical discomfort or pain is involved. Allowing a Dominant to do Really Scary Things to you and then realizing you came out OK can really build the trust necessary in those types of relationships. A true slave craves obedience--training him or her to be obedient under some sort of consensual duress is, from what I understand, a powerful mode of deepening his role.

In my neck of the woods pain takes on yet another dimension. Spirituality and M/s are closely linked within many prominent leather households here. Pain is often used in this dynamic to create a personal rite of passage (I've been through one myself) or to create spiritual receptiveness (I've talked to many folks who have had peak or revelatory experiences when placed under bodily stress). For that I refer the reader to the Native American Sun Dance, or the Modern Primitive Movement.

These reasons for causing pain are quite different from causing pain because the pain itself takes you both to a happy place.

Now, to confound matters more, people rarely fit in one box or the other. Many Dominants are sadistic, so they get more than just control from engaging in a pain scene. I mostly top for giggles, but once in a while I find myself in the middle of a cathartic scene and I realize I have just created a sacred space for some sort of rite of passage.

However, I think knowing the difference is crucial, especially if you are shopping for a scene partner. If you are not a masochist, do you want a sadist as a partner? Is you desire for submission deep enough to allow him or her that outlet with you? Do you both need to leave room in the relationship for him or her to play with masochists?

If you are primarily a masochist, perhaps it is better to think twice before jumping on the M/s bandwagon. D made that mistake a couple of times and the relationships ended in short order. I know of one other masochist who served several people before finally realizing he is a masochist. So now he seeks out those who can engage with him purely in a sadistic mode. If you see him play you will see he is clearly enjoying the scene, but nobody would confuse him for a sub.

If you are a mixture of both submissive and masochist, how does your mixture stack up to your potential partner's. Are you willing to stretch your limits, or do with less than you would ideally like to have?

And last but not least, if you are wanting physical punishment in your relationship and your partner is a sadist, are you sure he or she is going to have enough of a handle on that not to abuse his or her power? Are you also a masochist who likes non-punishment pain scenes? Does the sadist have another outlet? Is the sadistic itch strong enough that he or she needs one? That would definitely need to be worked out ahead of time, starting first by making clear that different pain scenes have different purposes and should be treated as such.

And of course, these same considerations are very relevant to those on the Top side as well.

Domestic Discipline

I met D 5 years ago and he has been living with me for 3 years. In that time I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals about whether or not he wanted a domestic discipline arrangement. They were mixed enough that we never tried. He would talk to me about personal behaviors that bothered him and recite fantasies about being taken in hand, but when I would try to negotiate reality with him he would recoil in fear.

So yesterday we ate dinner and then had a session with a wonderful female top D had just met in a spanking chat room. She made it clear that she does not like role play and would rather discipline over real stuff. D was so turned on that he let me rattle off a list of "real stuff" and when we got to our home the punishment commenced. One of the bones of contention was D's unfillfilled promises to exercise. He is in his 50s and there is a good gap between us in age. Both of us want him to be around and spankable for lots of years to come. My parents had decided to get rid of some exercise equipment about 2 or so years ago and so we had hauled a bowflex for me and a stationary bike for him up the stairs. And the bike sat and got used as a clothes drying rack. He wanted to use it and agreed to it before we hauled the 200+ pound behemoth up the stairs--but then it sat.

So he got corner time, his first mouth soaping with some leftover Ivory soap from the SL weekend, and a good OTK paddling. After his paddling he was dispatched to the exercise bike to sit. Instead the man started to exercise, right there, sitting on his red behind!!! So we let him go for awhile and peeked out the door of the bedroom to see him diligently exercising with his red shirt and almost equally red caboose.

And I was scared. I was afraid this was going to backfire, that he would have a bad reaction, that he would feel the way he felt back at some NY clubs in the 80s.

And in that 10 minutes all the reasons that have kept us from taking this leap went through my mind. D had to join the BDSM scene some 20 odd years ago because there were no spanking only options. The scene was far more "Old Guardish" then than it is now. So he got spanking and a lot of stuff that just does not work for him. On one occasion he was simply sent to the corner and ignored while his lady tops whooped it up elsewhere. He did not want to be a slave, jumping to commands. He did not want to be treated as an object, sitting in a corner until needed for service. Other folks there had those needs, but not D.

Unfortunately this experience and others put the filter in his mind that said: discipline=objectification. To have rules meant that he would automatically end up at the extreme and become an object whose sole purpose was to serve it's owner. We had talks about it, but I did not know what the heck I was doing either. I had no DD models and the M/s ones kept steering us in a direction we did not want to go when I brought this up. I knew D needed discipline and structure without the slavehood, but I had no good map of what that looked like.

I did find some DD sites on the web--and here is where my hangups kicked in. I am not a psychotherapist, but I do work in the social services field. I have to provide lay counseling on a regular basis for folks trying to meet vocational and other goals. There is a particular set of techniques for that, none of which include punishment. I was taught punishment was Bad, would lead to other maladaptive behaviors, and just Never Works. You could have natural consequences. You could put a kid in time out until he quit knocking holes in all the walls of the house. But no punishment.

I am quite open minded and not well domesticated in a lot of respects. ;-) I dove into BDSM into both feet, tried everything I could manage from both ends, and did not feel a tinge of guilt--until I contemplated DD.

Yesterday I read a post on Radspace (see blog list) about disciplinary spanking and a light went on in my head. I had done it a few times with people other than DD despite my misgivings and it had really turned my crank on a lot of levels. At that moment I realized that it is a kink, silly.

Non-consensual slavery is illegal in this country and condemned by most. It is so condemned that those who practice the consensual version have a lot of problems when they try to describe their interest to outsiders. I have all kinds of problems describing it and usually get met with some form of "that is just wrong."

No it ain't. It is a need. Slavery is outlawed because it does not work for *most* people and because doing things non-consensually is Just Wrong (now, I am not talking here of consensual non-consensuality). This does not mean that there is not a subset of the population for which slavery fits and fills a deep identity need.

And last night both I and D groked that adult discipline is a need too, for a small subset of the population. D woke up this AM, cuddled into me, and told me he felt more like himself than he has for a long time. He had deeply feared this, jumped off the cliff anyway, and apparently has landed someplace he has always wanted to go. He loves the "little boy" identity and feels it today, with a difference. He wants to be not the little boy that wants to escape adult life, but the little boy who wants to follow rules he agrees are good for him, better himself, and remain a good partner for me. The discipline works because it is a need, not just something imposed from the outside.

I mentioned to the lady who visited us yesterday that she was like a kinky angelic Supernanny. I think that is more true than not.

Now, play nice....

So once in a while I get into a conversation with a bottom or a switch who informs me he or she does not like a whole class of CP toys. Generally the toys in question are canes, though once in a while I will hear someone say the don't like leather.

So I ask questions. Stuff like "when did you try this last? What happened? How was it used?"

Often I get the response that it was used once, or a very few number of times, the top just swung it at them, and it was a Bad Pain. Occasionally someone tells me it was used for a consensual punishment scene--which then prompts me to explain how sensual scenes differ from punishment ones.

If my friendship with the person is close enough I will encourage them to try again--same toy, different technique. Find a top who can make it play nice.

When I was starting in BDSM I had a mentor who told me that all toys could be made to play nice. To prove his point he took out a chain mail singletail. Now, this thing did not actually act like a leather singletail as the tip was incapable of going Mach 1 and you did not want to throw it that way anyhow unless you were trying to chase a rhinoceros off of your property. Basically this toy consisted of a double row of chain mail, linked together to form a single 3 ft tail, with tapering links at the end. It was attached to what looked like half of a nunchuck. He called his slave up, used it on her without warm up, and she giggled while her back developed slightly pink stripes. So I asked to have it used on me. He threw it in a continuous circle, and grazed my back with the tip, moving in gradually as he assessed my tolerance. It was thuddy, but not what I w0uld call painful.

So I explain to the bottom what playing nice is. A cane is a potentially fierce implement of punishment and can cause more damage faster than any other traditional CP implement. And yet, starting with light percussion and slowly working the endorphins up with gradually harder strokes, then interspersing more impressive strokes with lots of rubbing and loving it in can take a person to a very nice place. The sensation of a cane stroke goes through the entire body--but that sensation is wonderful if it is kept just below the ouch threshold and accompanied by lots of lovely endorphins. One of the first scenes I witnessed involved caning. The intensity was gradually increased over about 45 minutes. The top was being patient--he had taken a seat and was taking his time. The bottom had a lovely bruised behind, and was orgasming strongly. When I asked her about it later she said she felt very little of it as actual pain.

Some toys take more skill to make play nice than others. Once someone told me he did not like leather because he got hit with a belt and did not like the intensity of it. Dress belts are clumsy, awkward, and can twist and then hit on the side. They tend to be thin and can pack a mean punch. It is possible to make them play nice, after a lot of practice. I did not get a chance to tell this fellow to try a flat, short strap before condemning all leather.

Now, if someone says that a toy creates a sensation that does not do much for them, or they find irritating rather than erotic, then I take them at their word. I've tried violet wands at high intensity, low intensity, with lots of different attachments, whatever, and I just find the sensation irritating. So now I just top with it, and avoid the damned metal bed frame if I've placed the contact point on me.

BDSM and the spanking community

This weekend my partner and I went to the Shadowlane spanking convention in Las Vegas. It was my first, and his first in 7 years. I was not sure exactly what to expect, except that I was going to keep my eye on the Romans and try to do as they did. I've spent 5 years in the BDSM community and had enough exposure to the spanking community to know that they generally consider themselves to be a different kettle of fish.

I was correct in my assessment, in a very delightful way. The BDSM community has served me extremely well. It served as a first family of choice. I developed presentation and teaching skills there, discovered I possess more than my fair share of courage, stumbled upon and then learned a set of skills that enables me to take people to some really awesome places, and really had fun for the first time in my life.

But it never *quite* felt like home. I've struggled for the past year trying to put my finger on it. I almost got it when I went to a leather convention in January. But coming into this community finally made it click.

The BDSM community, at least in Phoenix, is dominated by Master/slave couples. Not everyone fits that category for sure, but those in positions of influence do. The majority is also large enough that I find myself fighting subcultural quirks on frequent occasions. Folks look at me, look at D, and immediately conclude he is a slave. They ask him to do stuff. They ask me permission before they hug him. They thank me for allowing them to play with my slave. They impose slave protocol on him during a scene without asking or really hearing him when he says that is a limit. No, it does not happen all of the time--but it does happen often enough. The most irritating thing is that most often comes from people who have known D for *15 years* and have been told by him multiple times that he is not a slave! On a few memorable occasions D (and I) have been told that someday we will grow into M/s--as if The Thing We All Do comes complete with it's own caste system.

I am a fairly advanced player. There seems to be the assumption that since I have a decent number of S/M skills I am also into M/s. I am not.

I can deal with that. I will joke about it or do what I need to in order to make my point and still help folks I otherwise adore save face. But then comes the more subtle aspects of being in a subculture where you are missing one big thing that most of the members of the "inner circles" have.

Having a slave is busy and difficult work. There are groups, blogs, sushi dinners, conferences, books, etc. devoted to the topic. People get together and talk about about it--and close friendships are formed. Where does that leave me?`Well, often trying to relate to people who would love to have a friendship with me, if only they they did not have so many MAst meetings to attend, that Master/slave contest to prepare for, that household function to run off to this weekend... Or the parties, where I ended up mum because I have nothing substantive to say about How Hard It Is To Be A Master.

I'll get to co-top the slaves. Heck, once I ended up in the middle of a ritual bloodletting scene for someone's slave because I had the skills and she did not. But that need, and that bond that forms between people based on a common need, is not there. What is worse is that many folks, at least according to my own somewhat jaundiced view, will take on those roles on the surface to fit in with everyone else. Buy a collar, have a ceremony, and bada bing! You are in!

The differences get even more subtle beyond this point. Because I don't have the same needs as the M/s folks I find myself a bit rattled by the apparent personality changes I see in people who take on those roles. There is a formality, at the minimum, as many Masters attempt to remain Masterly for the benefit of their slaves who perhaps expect that. And of course Goddess knows how many conversations I've had with slaves which were abruptly interrupted because Master needed something--if the slave is allowed to talk at all. I suppose this is to be expected to a large degree--after all these folks need a place to "be themselves" too and for many M/s is most emphatically a core part of their identity.

I've tried to point this out to folks in the community and found that the fish in the water usually can't see that the water exists.

So I made my debut in the spanking community in the form of the Shadowlane party this weekend--and I knew within 4 hours that things were going to be different in a most delightful way. Here were people who appreciate spanking in all of it's flavors and nuances, not just as a "beginners kink" which unfortunately seems to be the view of a decent chunk of the BDSM community. There are DD relationships among people who, from what I could tell, do not have the need to be fashioned into an instrument of service for the Master. Rather they crave structure, rules, and loving attempts to help them become who *they* are meant to become as well as to help them become courteous and effective life partners. I am OK with the desire to serve for the sake of service--but it just is not my kink. There were also some fantastic M/s folks there who knew better than to assume that we shared their kink.

I am already making friends. I have the same needs as these folks, and the same bonding points. What surprises me most is how often I bottomed. For me that is a huge marker of trust and comfort. I also reconnected with my need to discipline others. M/s folks in Phoenix especially go on and on about the spiritual significance of what they do. Well, the same is true for me when I put someone through a particularly intense disciplinary or cathartic scene. The pretenses come down, all action exists only in the Now, and I get to see the core of who that person is. What an honor--and what a bond!

I'll still visit the BDSM community here but I am no longer going to make the mistake of trying to live there. One of my goals in this coming year is to get the Phoenix spanking enthusiasts together. We definitely have a critical mass of awesome people already--time to expand the circle.

OK--end of long-overdue BDSM rant and on to spanking posts in the future.

Now--how the devil do I create a cut???