BDSM and the spanking community

This weekend my partner and I went to the Shadowlane spanking convention in Las Vegas. It was my first, and his first in 7 years. I was not sure exactly what to expect, except that I was going to keep my eye on the Romans and try to do as they did. I've spent 5 years in the BDSM community and had enough exposure to the spanking community to know that they generally consider themselves to be a different kettle of fish.

I was correct in my assessment, in a very delightful way. The BDSM community has served me extremely well. It served as a first family of choice. I developed presentation and teaching skills there, discovered I possess more than my fair share of courage, stumbled upon and then learned a set of skills that enables me to take people to some really awesome places, and really had fun for the first time in my life.

But it never *quite* felt like home. I've struggled for the past year trying to put my finger on it. I almost got it when I went to a leather convention in January. But coming into this community finally made it click.

The BDSM community, at least in Phoenix, is dominated by Master/slave couples. Not everyone fits that category for sure, but those in positions of influence do. The majority is also large enough that I find myself fighting subcultural quirks on frequent occasions. Folks look at me, look at D, and immediately conclude he is a slave. They ask him to do stuff. They ask me permission before they hug him. They thank me for allowing them to play with my slave. They impose slave protocol on him during a scene without asking or really hearing him when he says that is a limit. No, it does not happen all of the time--but it does happen often enough. The most irritating thing is that most often comes from people who have known D for *15 years* and have been told by him multiple times that he is not a slave! On a few memorable occasions D (and I) have been told that someday we will grow into M/s--as if The Thing We All Do comes complete with it's own caste system.

I am a fairly advanced player. There seems to be the assumption that since I have a decent number of S/M skills I am also into M/s. I am not.

I can deal with that. I will joke about it or do what I need to in order to make my point and still help folks I otherwise adore save face. But then comes the more subtle aspects of being in a subculture where you are missing one big thing that most of the members of the "inner circles" have.

Having a slave is busy and difficult work. There are groups, blogs, sushi dinners, conferences, books, etc. devoted to the topic. People get together and talk about about it--and close friendships are formed. Where does that leave me?`Well, often trying to relate to people who would love to have a friendship with me, if only they they did not have so many MAst meetings to attend, that Master/slave contest to prepare for, that household function to run off to this weekend... Or the parties, where I ended up mum because I have nothing substantive to say about How Hard It Is To Be A Master.

I'll get to co-top the slaves. Heck, once I ended up in the middle of a ritual bloodletting scene for someone's slave because I had the skills and she did not. But that need, and that bond that forms between people based on a common need, is not there. What is worse is that many folks, at least according to my own somewhat jaundiced view, will take on those roles on the surface to fit in with everyone else. Buy a collar, have a ceremony, and bada bing! You are in!

The differences get even more subtle beyond this point. Because I don't have the same needs as the M/s folks I find myself a bit rattled by the apparent personality changes I see in people who take on those roles. There is a formality, at the minimum, as many Masters attempt to remain Masterly for the benefit of their slaves who perhaps expect that. And of course Goddess knows how many conversations I've had with slaves which were abruptly interrupted because Master needed something--if the slave is allowed to talk at all. I suppose this is to be expected to a large degree--after all these folks need a place to "be themselves" too and for many M/s is most emphatically a core part of their identity.

I've tried to point this out to folks in the community and found that the fish in the water usually can't see that the water exists.

So I made my debut in the spanking community in the form of the Shadowlane party this weekend--and I knew within 4 hours that things were going to be different in a most delightful way. Here were people who appreciate spanking in all of it's flavors and nuances, not just as a "beginners kink" which unfortunately seems to be the view of a decent chunk of the BDSM community. There are DD relationships among people who, from what I could tell, do not have the need to be fashioned into an instrument of service for the Master. Rather they crave structure, rules, and loving attempts to help them become who *they* are meant to become as well as to help them become courteous and effective life partners. I am OK with the desire to serve for the sake of service--but it just is not my kink. There were also some fantastic M/s folks there who knew better than to assume that we shared their kink.

I am already making friends. I have the same needs as these folks, and the same bonding points. What surprises me most is how often I bottomed. For me that is a huge marker of trust and comfort. I also reconnected with my need to discipline others. M/s folks in Phoenix especially go on and on about the spiritual significance of what they do. Well, the same is true for me when I put someone through a particularly intense disciplinary or cathartic scene. The pretenses come down, all action exists only in the Now, and I get to see the core of who that person is. What an honor--and what a bond!

I'll still visit the BDSM community here but I am no longer going to make the mistake of trying to live there. One of my goals in this coming year is to get the Phoenix spanking enthusiasts together. We definitely have a critical mass of awesome people already--time to expand the circle.

OK--end of long-overdue BDSM rant and on to spanking posts in the future.

Now--how the devil do I create a cut???