Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

Domestic Discipline

I met D 5 years ago and he has been living with me for 3 years. In that time I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals about whether or not he wanted a domestic discipline arrangement. They were mixed enough that we never tried. He would talk to me about personal behaviors that bothered him and recite fantasies about being taken in hand, but when I would try to negotiate reality with him he would recoil in fear.

So yesterday we ate dinner and then had a session with a wonderful female top D had just met in a spanking chat room. She made it clear that she does not like role play and would rather discipline over real stuff. D was so turned on that he let me rattle off a list of "real stuff" and when we got to our home the punishment commenced. One of the bones of contention was D's unfillfilled promises to exercise. He is in his 50s and there is a good gap between us in age. Both of us want him to be around and spankable for lots of years to come. My parents had decided to get rid of some exercise equipment about 2 or so years ago and so we had hauled a bowflex for me and a stationary bike for him up the stairs. And the bike sat and got used as a clothes drying rack. He wanted to use it and agreed to it before we hauled the 200+ pound behemoth up the stairs--but then it sat.

So he got corner time, his first mouth soaping with some leftover Ivory soap from the SL weekend, and a good OTK paddling. After his paddling he was dispatched to the exercise bike to sit. Instead the man started to exercise, right there, sitting on his red behind!!! So we let him go for awhile and peeked out the door of the bedroom to see him diligently exercising with his red shirt and almost equally red caboose.

And I was scared. I was afraid this was going to backfire, that he would have a bad reaction, that he would feel the way he felt back at some NY clubs in the 80s.

And in that 10 minutes all the reasons that have kept us from taking this leap went through my mind. D had to join the BDSM scene some 20 odd years ago because there were no spanking only options. The scene was far more "Old Guardish" then than it is now. So he got spanking and a lot of stuff that just does not work for him. On one occasion he was simply sent to the corner and ignored while his lady tops whooped it up elsewhere. He did not want to be a slave, jumping to commands. He did not want to be treated as an object, sitting in a corner until needed for service. Other folks there had those needs, but not D.

Unfortunately this experience and others put the filter in his mind that said: discipline=objectification. To have rules meant that he would automatically end up at the extreme and become an object whose sole purpose was to serve it's owner. We had talks about it, but I did not know what the heck I was doing either. I had no DD models and the M/s ones kept steering us in a direction we did not want to go when I brought this up. I knew D needed discipline and structure without the slavehood, but I had no good map of what that looked like.

I did find some DD sites on the web--and here is where my hangups kicked in. I am not a psychotherapist, but I do work in the social services field. I have to provide lay counseling on a regular basis for folks trying to meet vocational and other goals. There is a particular set of techniques for that, none of which include punishment. I was taught punishment was Bad, would lead to other maladaptive behaviors, and just Never Works. You could have natural consequences. You could put a kid in time out until he quit knocking holes in all the walls of the house. But no punishment.

I am quite open minded and not well domesticated in a lot of respects. ;-) I dove into BDSM into both feet, tried everything I could manage from both ends, and did not feel a tinge of guilt--until I contemplated DD.

Yesterday I read a post on Radspace (see blog list) about disciplinary spanking and a light went on in my head. I had done it a few times with people other than DD despite my misgivings and it had really turned my crank on a lot of levels. At that moment I realized that it is a kink, silly.

Non-consensual slavery is illegal in this country and condemned by most. It is so condemned that those who practice the consensual version have a lot of problems when they try to describe their interest to outsiders. I have all kinds of problems describing it and usually get met with some form of "that is just wrong."

No it ain't. It is a need. Slavery is outlawed because it does not work for *most* people and because doing things non-consensually is Just Wrong (now, I am not talking here of consensual non-consensuality). This does not mean that there is not a subset of the population for which slavery fits and fills a deep identity need.

And last night both I and D groked that adult discipline is a need too, for a small subset of the population. D woke up this AM, cuddled into me, and told me he felt more like himself than he has for a long time. He had deeply feared this, jumped off the cliff anyway, and apparently has landed someplace he has always wanted to go. He loves the "little boy" identity and feels it today, with a difference. He wants to be not the little boy that wants to escape adult life, but the little boy who wants to follow rules he agrees are good for him, better himself, and remain a good partner for me. The discipline works because it is a need, not just something imposed from the outside.

I mentioned to the lady who visited us yesterday that she was like a kinky angelic Supernanny. I think that is more true than not.