No Warmup?

Something Radagast (Radspace) posted a few days ago got me thinking:

The assumption with most scenes is that the Top will do some sort of warm-up to ease the bottom into things and get the endorphins flowing gradually.

IME--This is an example of one of those things that should be taken as a useful guideline, not a hard and fast rule. In other words, if you see a no warmup scene in the dungeon don't freak out and start thinking the Top is a lousy player. In my travels I've actually collected a surprisingly large number of instances in which a warmup would actually work *against* the scene.

1. Punishment (discipline). Rad described this one well. Whether you are getting punished for something real or doing punishment for a role play punishment should--well--hurt. Folks I know who have punishment as a kink have it precisely because they get something out of the fear, shock, and the fact that their endorphins are never allowed to overshadow the pain. If one wants punishment simply for behavior modification then it needs to be adversive. Scenes with warmups are not adversive. So for punishment (real or Memorex) I start out hard and work up to harder. For the initial swats I want shock and awe, but I don't want the person to kick me in the nose, suddenly develop the strength to move cars, or fly through a wall (with or without me in tow). So I don't pick up the 3/4 inch thick cocobolo 16 hole BottomBlaster 2000 at this point. I pick up a wooden hairbrush made of a softer (but still hard) wood.

The BottomBlaster comes out later as the endorphins kick in and I still want to continue getting the same reaction (if the punishment *needs* to last that long). In my experience it is the disappointment of the Top that punishes at least as much as the swats in a punishment scene that is intended to help alter real behavior. In more of a role play situation, it is the fear of the relentlessness of the top and the loss of control that does the emotional work to compliment the physical swats.

2. Cathartic scenes: Pretty much the same thing--except the intent is different. In the punishment scene I present a stern, impersonal, no-nonsense face. After the scene I may reassure the person that I still love *them* (but not the behavior). But there is no long aftercare.

In a cathartic scene I first want a general idea of why the person needs it. Do they need to grieve something? Has life gotten so stressful that they have gone emotionally numb? Are they blocked either creatively or in their ability to solve a problem? I figure that out (vague is OK) and ask them to start to sit with those feelings and hold them nonjudgmentally the best they can. That starts to prime the pump. Then I spend time looking them in the eye and I ask them if they trust me to give them what they need. When I feel the bond I can begin. The object here is to shock the mind out of its defensiveness and out of its distractions. It is rather hard to keep something suppressed or keep rationalizing something away if one's mind keeps getting yanked back to *swat* NOW *swat* NOW *swat* NOW, etc.

Verbal comments may break the dam if one has enough information to provide effective ones. Of course the catharsis can come in the form of laughing, crying, having a temper tantrum, etc. I end up spanking (or flogging) well into the initial show of emotions. There is this bone in most people's heads that goes into shame mode when emotions start to flow strongly. Continuing the spanking quiets that down just as it quiets down any other monkey mind antics the brain pulls. I've had people go through waves of all sorts of different emotions at the business end of a flogger or cane. The top, IMO, is definitely in service mode for this. One cannot stop until it is "done" regardless of achy shoulders or sweaty toy handles.

Aftercare is the polar opposite of the punishment scene. You have now become a minister of sorts and after the scene is over your job is to stay with that person, transmitting love without judgment and without "trying to soothe the pain away" until that person is done with whatever they need to process. Check-ins the next day are critical. I've heard of scenes going so deep that the Top does not leave the bottom that night, especially if the bottom does not have another supporter to go to.

Now punishment scenes can go cathartic. If I have a bottom I have punished for failing to keep track on his diet and suddenly he starts sobbing and raging about how his mother pulled "Mommy Dearest" tricks with his food when he was a child, obviously I am going to scrap the punishment aftercare subroutine and go with the same aftercare I would use for a catharsis. It is not a reward at this point--the person has obviously come to the core of some of *why* he has misbehaved and sticking around can help him heal it.

3. Rite of Passage. I've been through this twice, though not with spanking. There is really no warmup for an 8 gauge hook. Piercing or tatooing often get used as a rite of passage in our (mainstream) culture. "Hey I got divorced and then got this cool tatoo of a butterfly on my back! This is symbolic of my metamorphosis and new freedom." Rite of passage can be used as a bookmark, as a symbol that something has changed, or as a way to discover new strengths. A slave who takes a nose piercing (painful) and then puts in a large piece of jewelry at the behest of her owner and goes about her business for a week (embarrassing) has simultaneously marked her passage into being this master's property, has acknowledged the change, and has discovered that she can cope with physical pain, emotional fear, and social embarrassment (making her a stronger person)

4. Going for a spiritual experience. Fast for 2 days, then hang off the ground by two hooks in your chest. You might just see the light. On a more subtle note, flooding your body with shock and endorphins might thin the veil between you and whatever your belief system is. You might hear from God, or the gods, or the Universe, or what have you. You might get "hits" regarding what you need to do next to fulfill your life mission.

5. Ordeal #1: How much can I take? How far can I go? Can I really do *that*? Interrogation scenes fall into this category. No warmup there. I once saw an interrogation scene which resulted in one of the bottoms being reassured of the depth of his love for his fiance. Beautiful stuff. Sometimes though you just want to know if you can take 9 judicial style cane strokes. Or whatever. Some people are thrill seekers and limit pushers: "Can I sack that peak? Can I run 50 miles through Death Valley in midsummer? Can I play with that singletail top going full tilt?

This one can go really stupid though. If extremely masochistic bottom A challenges Insecure Ego Top B that the Top will tire before the bottom does, you have a recipe for trouble. I won't play this way, but if someone took away my conscience I could really do some damage with 1,000 cuts of a singletail before I would tire out. Not smart. Especially if you have a poor sense of when you physically have had enough--and when you are nearly delirious with pain that sense will be poor. Extreme pain *confuses* the brain.

6. Ordeal #2: Obedience. How much can I take for my Master? Does my capability to obey have a limit? Can go stupid--but also can be used to bond slave and Master if used well. It can also be used to push on phobias and fear areas and thus aid growth--if used very carefully. Warmup? Not likely.

And no--these are not nice neat categories in real life. There is plenty of room for overlap. However, they come in handy when I am negotiating. If I am lucky the prospective bottom tells me "That is what I want! I did not have the words for it though and nobody else ever talks about that particular thing!"

A non-spanking post

Jenni Mack got after me this weekend for not posting. Yeah, she's right. My energy has been drained over the past few months by a number of things, economic garbage chief on the list. This weekend though I was reminded that I need to stay in contact with what gives me energy and power.

So this weekend I went to our local Southwest Leather Conference with D, a couple of friends from SL, and about 50 friends from the local and national BDSM community.

I will post more details later, but now I will make a cross post from another primarily BDSM themed blog. Warning all--what follows is about piercing, not spanking. We ain't in Kansas right now. ;-)

To provide a bit of background, SWLC hosts something called "the dance of souls." It is a cathartic, ecstatic dance ritual loosely based on some ancient body ritual practices. One aspect of the ritual is something called a "hook pull." A pair of sterile stainless steel twelve gauge hooks are placed under the skin (chest or back) and then are attached to ropes. The participant can then attach the rope to an eyebolt or give it to another person and then tug. This stresses the body (much like a cathartic spanking might) and allows the person to give up "monkey mind" for a time and come to know what they've been hiding, stuffing, avoiding, etc. Anything from emotional pain to emotional joy can come out. Some use this as a rite of passage as well (that has been my tendency). This particular dance definitely had that quality for me. Here goes with the post...

Dance of Souls V:

Yep--my fifth.

I placed my first 12 GA flesh hook today (and the same 11 or 12 GA? needle twice). The fact that my crash test dummy was myself made the experience all the more interesting.

From what I understand, piercing oneself with--whatever--has an honored place in body rituals. The fifth play piercing needle I took was from my own hand and for some reason I find that placing at least one needle in myself during ritual anchors me to the experience. I "own" it then in a very visceral way.

That said, piercing myself with something that large (twice) and placing a hook in myself was several steps beyond mind blowing.

I got the "hit" that I was to do this halfway through the introductory lecture to the dance of souls. I was worried that the piercers may not allow it, so I deliberately sought out the most twisted edge player of the bunch. STF was actually my first choice but I saw he was only doing needles (they formed two teams this year for the sake of efficiency), so I picked Master Z of Texas. He had me convinced of his delightful sick twistedness after I saw what he could do with duct tape and an power stapler at an earlier demo. I figured if I fucked it up he would mop up the blood, grin, and take over. I also had an inkling he might like the show (he did). I asked a couple of SL friends to witness. Despite the fact this was their first dance they did with much love and without so much as a flinch.

I told Master Z where my knowledge of how to do this ended, so he helped me figure out depth and placement on my chest. I actually found that doing it myself made it less painful, even though I probably was twice as slow getting the needle through as he would have been (I wanted to get it to the right depth and I was not worried about whining from my "bottom"). He put in the first hook as I watched.* I asked to put in the second hook after I placed the piercing needle on the other side and to my surprise found doing that part took at least as much strength and a bit more aggression than did shoving the needle through. I was also drunk as a skunk on my own endorphins by this point and the concept of push and pull was not completely registering. Despite this I managed to get the hook 95% through before asking Master Z for help. He gave it a tiny shove and had the grace to tell me that basically I had done the job myself.

Of course I can't adequately describe how doing that made me feel. The word "empowered" comes to mind. Never had I felt so much ownership of anything. This ritual had become, viscerally, mine. I needed that very much. I was also immensely satisfied.

To my surprise and pleasure the subsequent pull was very comforting. My instinct had guided me the correct spots to pierce. The sensation felt maternal and safe and protected, much like I would imagine a kitten might feel when carried around by the scruff by mother. Even when I went into semi-suspension and the pain kicked up that underlying solidity was there. I had, literally, built my own wings and found them more than worthy for flight. I called myself beautiful at the prompting of a witness. I licked my ropes, licked Master D's hand, licked the wood frame, and kissed a female witness twice on the lips. I blissed out and let the whirl of sound go through me...

The first pull was about courage. The second...about building wings perhaps. For what, who knows. Of course more will come to me, verbally and non-verbally, as time goes on. I know though that this was transformative. I feel it.

* Hook piercing is done like any other piercing. The first thing to go in the body is a straight hollow piercing needle. Once the point of the needle penetrates through the skin the point of the hook is placed in the "bevel" (hollow point) of the needle. The needle acts like a sheath guide for the hook as it travels under the skin and the needle is ultimately shoved out of the skin in the opposite direction it went in. It is the curve of the hook, I think, that demands a decent push at this stage. An 11 or 12 GA needle, evidently, stays sharp enough to be reused for the rest of that same person's piercings.

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.