Some Random stuff from last night.

I think I find cathartic scenes even more fulfilling than punishment ones (and I *really* like punishment ones). So when it happens in the same scene I am one happy camper.

That said, until last night I never really clued into the fact that a cathartic scene really takes the tiger out of me from the top side. I know what they are like for me from the bottom--if I am planning one I try to make sure I don't have to work the next day and that my immediate next activity involves chilling and food. But it was just last night that I realized I need lots of immediate chilling and food from the top side too.

I had promised to play with D after the first scene--so after about an hour of chilling I was sorta ready. I thought it was going to be a short scene--but it turns out using a singletail for me is like playing some sort of video game after a long day. Not completely mindless--rather something that takes up the whole concentration of a small percentage of my mind while allowing the rest of my brain to take a siesta.

Rad has been saying something for awhile that has finally caught up with me as well. I get just a tad *nervous* before a punishment scene. I rely heavily on scolding and on my instinct for saying the right words to trip a switch in someone so they start to actually feel remorse. I also have been developing a skill for playing with real SAMs, so there is always that niggling worry that I might not be able to subdue them. I have to work on getting myself in a "dark" mode beforehand--so by the end of the scene I have burned off all of this built up energy quickly and I feel like an empty vessel. The challenge though, and the nerves, and that slight concern about failure just add to the appeal. I had a skydiving and rock climbing friend once who told me the exact same thing.

Now, note to self. Pack a clean pair of earplugs and the shooter's earmuffs for my next dungeon punishment or cathartic scene. Due to an ongoing comedy of errors we have the weirdest stuff in our dungeon CD player (which holds about 50 of the damned things). People burn CDs, stuff them in there unmarked, and never retrieve them. If I ever get my mitts on whomever put the "William Tell Overture" in there a few months ago.... The wrong music seriously messes with bottom space. Yeah, inteferes with scolding, though there is some appeal in lifting off one half of a muff and yelling at someone.

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.

Now, play nice....

So once in a while I get into a conversation with a bottom or a switch who informs me he or she does not like a whole class of CP toys. Generally the toys in question are canes, though once in a while I will hear someone say the don't like leather.

So I ask questions. Stuff like "when did you try this last? What happened? How was it used?"

Often I get the response that it was used once, or a very few number of times, the top just swung it at them, and it was a Bad Pain. Occasionally someone tells me it was used for a consensual punishment scene--which then prompts me to explain how sensual scenes differ from punishment ones.

If my friendship with the person is close enough I will encourage them to try again--same toy, different technique. Find a top who can make it play nice.

When I was starting in BDSM I had a mentor who told me that all toys could be made to play nice. To prove his point he took out a chain mail singletail. Now, this thing did not actually act like a leather singletail as the tip was incapable of going Mach 1 and you did not want to throw it that way anyhow unless you were trying to chase a rhinoceros off of your property. Basically this toy consisted of a double row of chain mail, linked together to form a single 3 ft tail, with tapering links at the end. It was attached to what looked like half of a nunchuck. He called his slave up, used it on her without warm up, and she giggled while her back developed slightly pink stripes. So I asked to have it used on me. He threw it in a continuous circle, and grazed my back with the tip, moving in gradually as he assessed my tolerance. It was thuddy, but not what I w0uld call painful.

So I explain to the bottom what playing nice is. A cane is a potentially fierce implement of punishment and can cause more damage faster than any other traditional CP implement. And yet, starting with light percussion and slowly working the endorphins up with gradually harder strokes, then interspersing more impressive strokes with lots of rubbing and loving it in can take a person to a very nice place. The sensation of a cane stroke goes through the entire body--but that sensation is wonderful if it is kept just below the ouch threshold and accompanied by lots of lovely endorphins. One of the first scenes I witnessed involved caning. The intensity was gradually increased over about 45 minutes. The top was being patient--he had taken a seat and was taking his time. The bottom had a lovely bruised behind, and was orgasming strongly. When I asked her about it later she said she felt very little of it as actual pain.

Some toys take more skill to make play nice than others. Once someone told me he did not like leather because he got hit with a belt and did not like the intensity of it. Dress belts are clumsy, awkward, and can twist and then hit on the side. They tend to be thin and can pack a mean punch. It is possible to make them play nice, after a lot of practice. I did not get a chance to tell this fellow to try a flat, short strap before condemning all leather.

Now, if someone says that a toy creates a sensation that does not do much for them, or they find irritating rather than erotic, then I take them at their word. I've tried violet wands at high intensity, low intensity, with lots of different attachments, whatever, and I just find the sensation irritating. So now I just top with it, and avoid the damned metal bed frame if I've placed the contact point on me.