Post Valentines Day Post Mortem ;-)

Ok this is not about what I *did*. That will definitely have to go on the other blog.

This is about how grateful I am for D--and some apparently useful quirky personal beliefs I have about love. Warning: this is an opinionated piece.

D is just into spanking (OK he tolerates a few other things, but if a spanking only club opened up in Phoenix he would be just as happy to never darken the door of a dungeon again).

My scene interests include a heavy dose of spanking, but otherwise are all over the map. So we have an open relationship. I get to go out and do what I did last night--and because I have a million dungeon contacts he gets his itch scratched for multiple top exhibitionist spanking scenes. People look at us funny sometimes. For one thing, the heavy M/s emphasis here assumes that D is *supposed* to like what I like, or at least Obey and Get Over It. It has been six years now. People have largely quit lecturing me about it (and have also quit trying to pigeon-hole our relationship). It was not without quite a bit of work on our part and a bit of fang baring.

As partners though the love is definitely there. It was not this thunderclap "love at first sight" thing. But then again, I don't think I am the type to do that. I had some previous very bad experiences with very good looking people (think about what H.S. was really like for the lowest social caste). The experiences were bad enough that now (perhaps a bit unfairly) such people have to prove that they are decent, humble human beings before I will really trust them. OK--I have an odd bit of discrimination there I need to tend to very soon. Sorry to any drop dead gorgeous types I have offended recently (and if I am your friend *don't* assume you are ugly!!!!)

However, when that happened it caused me to question just about every "conventional" idea of love from a very early age--and I have found much of it to be unrealistic, rather sick catch-22 claptrap. D searched for years to find his match--and in the process his idealized notions of the perfect spanking relationship got stripped down to bare essentials. My already unconventional nature allowed me to blow off ill-fitting M/s notions regarding what we* should* do sooner rather than later. That probably saved our relationship.

D and I are compatible (or at least flexible) on issues of money and sex. Regarding issues of money we are both penny-pinching misers (a fact that has seriously saved our bacon this last half year). Regarding sex--well see above. We also clash like heck on other major traits....

....And we work around them. Sometimes he turns down the political talk show jibber-jabber, and other times I get the shooter's muffs out and read a book. I've perfected my meat and potatoes recipes for him and freeze them en masse--then cook my own stuff and freeze it en masse. Some habits of mine he's adopted--and vice versa.

Somehow it works out not because we are a perfect match but because we respect each other as very different human beings and try to tend to the core of what we think love is. Listening (we are better some days than others), respect for our own inner worlds, lots of compliments and emphasizing the good things, lots of human contact, lots of real world problem solving when the real world does what it likes to do, and lots of freedom for each other with the assurance that we each have a home and a warm embrace to return to.

While there has to be some common ground in any relationship, IMHO the real lesson of love is spiritual. It is not whether you can find a hottie that everyone will be envious of, who shares all of your interests, and who puts the toilet paper on the roll exactly like you do. Rather, it is whether you can connect with the core of another human being and fulfill each other's desire for love and closeness. There is no formula for that, and in my personal experience most social codes for love and relationships do more to hinder than help the process. I am lucky I found someone who believes the same thing and is willing to go on this adventure with me.

A Disturbing Thought....

Today I was catching up with some friends and afterwards D provided me with some background information on one friend he has known for years. What I heard disturbed me, especially in light of what I have experienced in the past week.

This person had a very abusive dominant several years ago. She eventually got away from him. That, apparently, has been the end of her spoken D/s desires. Talk to her now and she will tell you she is a bottom. No problem with that, except I have this awful feeling that her desire to be of service to someone as a submissive is still there, buried under a very, very bad experience. I really don't know if she will ever be able to express it again.

This disturbs me because I do like this person and I know how deep a yearning for a particular kink can go. It also makes me think how close D came to losing his true desires as well. He got mistreated by some Dommes many years ago. They did not listen, they simply assumed things. Worse, they did not get to know him as a person and did a piss poor job of negotiating with him so they set off emotional land mines without even realizing it. He still wonders if they would have cared had they known.

Now, anything I do with someone is done only so long as it benefits the person. I am very early into doing DD with D so time will tell. However it awes me that it took him five years to rebuild the trust needed to let this side of him out. He did not simply come out to a stranger, IMHO, he came out to someone who stimulated that interest at exactly the correct time in our relationship. He would not have come out at all if he had not build all of that trust in me. If nothing else, he knows I would protect him from any stranger. He also would not have come out if he had not spent a weekend interacting with well functioning couples who do what he wants to do.

So, how many people get lost out there? It just takes one crummy Dominant or one lousy Top. What we do reaches into the deepest parts of our psyche and while the needs are strong, apparently they are fragile as well. And if the need gets buried, I think, so does an essential part of that person's soul.

OK, so now the details....

D just got his punishment spanking for chronic and pervasive failure to communicate his true desires to me (and for spilling his guts to a stranger while leaving me out of the loop). Supernanny (I hope she does not mind me referring to her as that here) came to coach me through it. I thought we were going to go 50/50 on the session but I proved to be a quick study and my intuition kicked in almost immediately.

He is sitting gingerly now. Considering the level of the offense (quite high) I used the cane. OK, I used two canes and they sort of had to be retired afterwards. Now I need to pester my local vendor buddy for more cheap rattan canes. The whole affair was over in about 15 minutes, including corner time, mouth soaping, lecturing, and spanking. D said he did not know what hit him. We did a double check with him afterwards--yes he still wants and needs the DD dynamic. This spanking was really not a whole lot worse than some I have given him in the dungeon for play (D has a tough hide from lots of play in the 90's)--it was just a heck of a lot faster with no warm-up. The scolding and the intent of the spanking made all the difference as far as distinguishing this from playtime. That is one thing I am watching closely. I want to make sure that in the end discipline acts as a deterrent, even if he does not perceive it as entirely negative (he might have a nice afterglow tomorrow and already said he felt cared for even as I was doing it).

So, because D caused me 5 years of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to his lack of communication, I am going to make good on my threat to post his rules here. These rules are a product of knowing the man for 5 years so they are all sorely needed. Below I am posting his discipline schedule. Of course both are subject to change. With regard to the final rule--no I am not trying to be funny. He already has leather butt. He came to me with it.

D’s House Rules

1. Exercise for at least 10 minutes 4 days a week. You can either ride the stationary bike or go for a walk. Increase exercise time for a minute each week until you have reached 20 minutes.
   

2. Participate in “Chore Time” on the weekend. We will clean the house together each weekend, splitting the tasks as evenly as possible. Wednesday will assign tasks to D. Lift items properly to avoid back problems.
   

3. Learn or practice at least one skill each week. This could be a cleaning skill, a computer skill, or a cooking skill.
   

4. When between temp job assignments or out of work go job hunting 5 days a week unless prevented by illness or an appointment. Take no more than one week off between job assignments before starting to search.
   

5. When employed get health insurance from either the temp agency or a private carrier. Do it within one week of employment unless broke.
   

6. Go to bed by 11 PM on the weekdays. Go to bed by midnight on the weekends, unless we are at a function that lasts later than that.
   

7. COMMUNICATE!!! Don’t be hiding any more secret desires from Miss Wednesday—it really pisses her off and then she writes embarrassing things in her blog!
   

8. Visit the doctor without delay when problems arise. Get an annual physical.
   

9. Floss your teeth every day. Special flossers will be provided so you will not have to fight with string.
   

10. Moisturize rear every day with lotion.

D’s Discipline Schedule

1. Demerits will be added up throughout the week and noted in the Weekly Task Log. Discipline will be meted out on the weekend.

2. If there are no demerits present D may still be subject to a “maintenance spanking.”

3. Discipline will consist of spanking and CP, corner time, scolding, grounding, and mouth soaping. Any or all of these methods of discipline will be used at Wednesday's discretion.

4. Good boy spankings can be earned with good behavior.

The difference between a Dominant and a consensual sadist

I've been kicking around writing this post for awhile. This is actually the first thing I learned about the scene, thanks to a kindly Bostonian friend who both educated me and nudged at me until I walked into our local BDSM club alone for the first time. This is about both a definition of terms and about a piece of my scene identity (I have several scene identities but I will save that for a later post).

I can't remember what prompted her to define the difference between consensual sadism and Dominance for me, but I do know it proved useful as I have defined myself in the scene. I also have observed that people often get the two confused, which has the potential to wreak several kinds of havoc.

Now, disclaimer time here. A true sociopathic sadist does *not* want consent to cause pain. In the BDSM community we often joke that a true masochist and a true sadist would hate each other's guts because the masochist would like what the sadist was dishing out, thus denying the sadist his nonconsensual fix. A consensual sadist causes pain up to a point--that point being the cessation of the underlying enjoyment of the bottom. Some read the bottom's body language to determine that point and others rely on verbal communication, but most consensual sadists I talk to fear taking someone too far and go to great lengths to prevent that.

So here is the simple definition. A pure consensual sadist likes to cause pain. A pure dominant likes to control another person. Both can be done at the same time, but one can exist without the other. So, not everyone who spends most of their time wielding a whip (or whatever) is necessarily a Dominant. Now, when I use the term Dominant or submissive I am also referring to Masters and slaves, as they are on different points of the same control continuum.

I identify almost entirely as a consensual sadist when I am engaged in non-DD BDSM play. I don't give a rip whether someone is tied down or not, unless they ask (bondage can be used to cause pain, though often I hear that people like to use it to control someone else and make escape impossible). I don't care what they wear, so long as they are clean. If they want to have an orgasm, swell. They don't need my permission. I could care less if they call me ma'am--just don't call me late to dinner. In fact, if they direct a juicy bit of profanity at me after I have really gotten to them I consider it a bonus.

I have met very few kinks I did not like. Of those I don't like, most involve either too much unpleasantness to me or have too high a risk to pleasure ratio. The rest generally involve some sort of consensual pain or fear on the behalf of the recipient and that is where I live, so to me the different kinks are like different artistic media that I get to play around with. I like people who react and I have no desire to tell someone to stay still as I am doing whatever to them. If someone insists on being a stoic I will generally find a way to make them react. When I am functioning in this identity I don't inflict pain for any other purpose, really, than to get both myself and the masochist to a happy place.

I get confused for a BDSM Dominant often. So enter the Dominant. He may want to control the orgasms, control the reactions of the submissive, engage in scene protocol, insist on certain modes of address, tell the submissive what to wear, etc. If the relationship allows this control can be expanded into most aspects of the sub's life. I've met some Dominants who don't scene at all--their relationships consist entirely of obedience and service.

A pure dominant (or someone acting in a purely dominant mode for the moment) may use pain as a means of *control*. For many submissives I have talked to, bearing pain is something they do as a submissive act, not necessarily because they like it. This is not so unusual--if my read of military basic training is correct one of the primary goals is to train the recruits to follow orders no matter what is happening, even (and especially) if physical discomfort or pain is involved. Allowing a Dominant to do Really Scary Things to you and then realizing you came out OK can really build the trust necessary in those types of relationships. A true slave craves obedience--training him or her to be obedient under some sort of consensual duress is, from what I understand, a powerful mode of deepening his role.

In my neck of the woods pain takes on yet another dimension. Spirituality and M/s are closely linked within many prominent leather households here. Pain is often used in this dynamic to create a personal rite of passage (I've been through one myself) or to create spiritual receptiveness (I've talked to many folks who have had peak or revelatory experiences when placed under bodily stress). For that I refer the reader to the Native American Sun Dance, or the Modern Primitive Movement.

These reasons for causing pain are quite different from causing pain because the pain itself takes you both to a happy place.

Now, to confound matters more, people rarely fit in one box or the other. Many Dominants are sadistic, so they get more than just control from engaging in a pain scene. I mostly top for giggles, but once in a while I find myself in the middle of a cathartic scene and I realize I have just created a sacred space for some sort of rite of passage.

However, I think knowing the difference is crucial, especially if you are shopping for a scene partner. If you are not a masochist, do you want a sadist as a partner? Is you desire for submission deep enough to allow him or her that outlet with you? Do you both need to leave room in the relationship for him or her to play with masochists?

If you are primarily a masochist, perhaps it is better to think twice before jumping on the M/s bandwagon. D made that mistake a couple of times and the relationships ended in short order. I know of one other masochist who served several people before finally realizing he is a masochist. So now he seeks out those who can engage with him purely in a sadistic mode. If you see him play you will see he is clearly enjoying the scene, but nobody would confuse him for a sub.

If you are a mixture of both submissive and masochist, how does your mixture stack up to your potential partner's. Are you willing to stretch your limits, or do with less than you would ideally like to have?

And last but not least, if you are wanting physical punishment in your relationship and your partner is a sadist, are you sure he or she is going to have enough of a handle on that not to abuse his or her power? Are you also a masochist who likes non-punishment pain scenes? Does the sadist have another outlet? Is the sadistic itch strong enough that he or she needs one? That would definitely need to be worked out ahead of time, starting first by making clear that different pain scenes have different purposes and should be treated as such.

And of course, these same considerations are very relevant to those on the Top side as well.