SL Continued...

Saturday:

M, D, and I ate together before the Schoolboys In Disgrace party. We processed the scene from the night before. I did see the potential of a well placed spanking scene to clear up relationship irritations as D and I did end up having a 2 way conversation on news, our respective needs for companionship and independence, etc. I thanked M for helping out. Cafe service was extremely slow, so I ended up harrassing the waitress, getting harrassed in return, snarfing my food, then clearing out and running upstairs for the Schoolboys party.

That party was insane. We had at least 10 female tops and about 30 men coming in and out of the room. The men I got to play with were delightful and I was gratified to see that each man got at least 3 trips over the laps of his choice. It was at this point that I began to percieve the benefits of being on an exercise program vs not--especially before a party. I pooped out! The last 3 guys received my cane in a traditional style. Fortunately they were warmed up for it and I did not hear any complaints. The cane proved to be a great lazy (or just plain pooped) Top's toy as I was quite eager to give the bottoms the 30-60 seconds they needed between strokes to process the sensation. One fellow did get my ire up as he had been bratting me all weekend. This earned him an ear tug to the bedroom in the party suite and then quite a hairbrushing and caning as he continued to run his mouth. He later said this scene was a bit too disciplinary for a party (well, I had been under the assumption that very persistent brats want to be subdued) but he also asked for an even more intense private scene. Unfortunately I did not get to him before he left Vegas, so he is definitely at the top of my list for next year.

The energy and enthusiasm of this party was high enough to turn the suite into a sauna halfway through, despite the general chill in the hotel and the fact we had the A/C cranked as low as it would go. I was happy to see more switch females stepping up to help with this party this year. Being a single male spanking bottom is often the pits at weekends like this, so to be able to give everyone in attendance as much spanking as they wanted to handle was quite rewarding.

After this party I rushed off to a double bottom caning and figging scene. One bottom was a fellow I had played with before and the other was someone whom I had just met. Said male bottom had decided my topping style might be quite salutory to this particular female brat ;-).

I usually don't have such a deep or successful scene with someone I have never played with before. However, I was able to read her well, I think--as well as read from him what might work for her. She went from mouthy brat to subdued to floating around somewhere in the Pleiades Cluster in the space of an hour. The energy was absolutely yummy at the end of the scene and I ended up alternating between tapping their plugs to keep their endorphins going and simply giving them both simultaneous back massages as I drank it all in. I ended up a gooey puddle myself as I rested with them for aftercare. I wandered back to my room and fell asleep in a very happy haze.

Our next event was the "prom." I dressed in a simple little black dress and had D dress in a white shirt. I spent the better part of the first hour checking in on the folks who had bottomed to me that day. I then danced with D and then hooked him up with as many women as I could until he wore out from dancing. My Phoenix friends were there too in absolutely fabulous, albeit uncomfortable, Victorian attire. Eve leaned in close to me on one occasion and told me she had heard I had performed the "Victorian trifecta." Well, not quite. I had performed all three components but not on the same people. The rumor did persist, much to my amusement, throughout the party. I am not sure who, besides possibly my Phoenix friends, started it. ;-)

Now, for the observent among you, there are no doubt questions about what became of the Victorian Trifecta I was supposed to bottom to. It did not happen, alas. Sunday went a bit wonkers and after that I was in no fit shape for it. However, the winner of the Superbowl bet has promised to "roast me good" early next SL party so I don't think I am completely off the hook.

After the Ball I spent a brief time in a suite party waiting for the bottom of my next session. I got to say hello to the party organizers as well as many other folks. My bottom showed up at this point and we played privately. I got the feeling from her that I needed to nurture more than do anything else, so I used hands and floggers for about an hour and focussed on pushing as much gentle love and positive regard into her as I could muster. I did proceed to canes and catharsis did result. I spent the next bit of time being as present with this person as I could. There are some who give continually to others, whether those others are in the spanking community or the vanilla world. This person is definitely one of those and I was more than happy to try to give her a bit back. This scene, as well as the figging and caning scene, stood out as a favorite party moment. I got her back to her room after this and crashed for the night.

Sunday:

A group of us got together to go to a Sunday brunch at another hotel. It was a bit like herding cats for the poor organizer to get us together, but the brunch was worth it. The organizer was most generous in treating us at no small cost. The Spumoni was especially good with bits of whole candied cherries and small chocolate chips.

The feast *was* good--however the resulting fight between it and the Mexican food I had eaten the night before was not so good. No, it was not a case of food poisoning--just a case of traveler's gut and overindulgence. I was supposed to bottom to some enema play. After my bad reaction that was rendered both unnecessary and potentially painful in a bad way. The Superbowl bet was not satisfied, and the poor brunch organizer was not able to get his planned licks in either. The scene we had planned turned into a gentle paddling scene, but to his credit he was able to get me to subspace despite the fact I was still feeling out of sorts.

Note to self: bottom *early* in the party. I am *not* a natural bottom. For reasons I can't explain completely it requires more energy for me to bottom than top. I really have to work on my head space and I can't do it well if I am even a bit tired. It is fantastic when it works well, but sometimes it is like chasing a damned unicorn. *sigh*

I did try to get some sleep after this but I felt restless and emotionally a bit perturbed for no apparent reason. I was on the verge of dozing off when my cell phone rang. One of my Phoenix friends had been nursing a respiratory bug all weekend and was now in trouble. I tore down to the cafe, attracting the attention and assistance of some other SL partygoers when they saw the look on my face. There was not much I could do except recommend the person see a health professional. I tried, with no success, to get the name of a 24 hour urgent care from the front desk. My friend's Domme drove her to the nearest hospital ER and D and I went back to the cafe and morosely ate soup and worried. Soup was about the only thing we could keep down. After this I booked my room for an extra night as I had previously been planning to leave Monday. I called my friends and offered them middle of the night help if they ran into a long ER wait as well as early AM packing help if they were able to leave as planned. After this we returned to the hotel room. I watched the news voluntarily and fretted, waiting for the phone to ring. Fortunately it rang around 10PM. My friend did not have to be hospitalized and she got scripts for some good drugs. I spent a fitful night tossing around and kept checking their room in the early AM in case they needed help getting out. I finally passed out around 7:30 AM and they were on the road by the time I woke back up.

Monday:
Today turned out far better than I expected. I slept until just after noon, then rather morosely wandered down with D for coffee and a dip in the pool. I was starting to experience a nasty case of Top drop and was still worried about my friends. My interest in gambling rests somewhere between 0 and -5 depending on my mood so I was very bored. Fortunately I did find a nice group of SL stragglers at the pool. We got to talk and ultimately walked over to a restaurant across the street to eat a meal together. DJ Bob put on a hilarious act as a burned out Las Vegas tour guide as we passed by street contruction and a large fenced in pit. I negotiated with him to be spanked as he said he had some play left in him. The scene was delightful and a good post party hangover remedy. After this we reconvened to a very small gathering in Margaret Davis's room. The party pomp was over and we were ready to just sit and chat. D and others got their behinds warmed briefly, but mostly people seemed to want to talk and get to know each other better. This was definitely another favorite party moment.

No Warmup?

Something Radagast (Radspace) posted a few days ago got me thinking:

The assumption with most scenes is that the Top will do some sort of warm-up to ease the bottom into things and get the endorphins flowing gradually.

IME--This is an example of one of those things that should be taken as a useful guideline, not a hard and fast rule. In other words, if you see a no warmup scene in the dungeon don't freak out and start thinking the Top is a lousy player. In my travels I've actually collected a surprisingly large number of instances in which a warmup would actually work *against* the scene.

1. Punishment (discipline). Rad described this one well. Whether you are getting punished for something real or doing punishment for a role play punishment should--well--hurt. Folks I know who have punishment as a kink have it precisely because they get something out of the fear, shock, and the fact that their endorphins are never allowed to overshadow the pain. If one wants punishment simply for behavior modification then it needs to be adversive. Scenes with warmups are not adversive. So for punishment (real or Memorex) I start out hard and work up to harder. For the initial swats I want shock and awe, but I don't want the person to kick me in the nose, suddenly develop the strength to move cars, or fly through a wall (with or without me in tow). So I don't pick up the 3/4 inch thick cocobolo 16 hole BottomBlaster 2000 at this point. I pick up a wooden hairbrush made of a softer (but still hard) wood.

The BottomBlaster comes out later as the endorphins kick in and I still want to continue getting the same reaction (if the punishment *needs* to last that long). In my experience it is the disappointment of the Top that punishes at least as much as the swats in a punishment scene that is intended to help alter real behavior. In more of a role play situation, it is the fear of the relentlessness of the top and the loss of control that does the emotional work to compliment the physical swats.

2. Cathartic scenes: Pretty much the same thing--except the intent is different. In the punishment scene I present a stern, impersonal, no-nonsense face. After the scene I may reassure the person that I still love *them* (but not the behavior). But there is no long aftercare.

In a cathartic scene I first want a general idea of why the person needs it. Do they need to grieve something? Has life gotten so stressful that they have gone emotionally numb? Are they blocked either creatively or in their ability to solve a problem? I figure that out (vague is OK) and ask them to start to sit with those feelings and hold them nonjudgmentally the best they can. That starts to prime the pump. Then I spend time looking them in the eye and I ask them if they trust me to give them what they need. When I feel the bond I can begin. The object here is to shock the mind out of its defensiveness and out of its distractions. It is rather hard to keep something suppressed or keep rationalizing something away if one's mind keeps getting yanked back to *swat* NOW *swat* NOW *swat* NOW, etc.

Verbal comments may break the dam if one has enough information to provide effective ones. Of course the catharsis can come in the form of laughing, crying, having a temper tantrum, etc. I end up spanking (or flogging) well into the initial show of emotions. There is this bone in most people's heads that goes into shame mode when emotions start to flow strongly. Continuing the spanking quiets that down just as it quiets down any other monkey mind antics the brain pulls. I've had people go through waves of all sorts of different emotions at the business end of a flogger or cane. The top, IMO, is definitely in service mode for this. One cannot stop until it is "done" regardless of achy shoulders or sweaty toy handles.

Aftercare is the polar opposite of the punishment scene. You have now become a minister of sorts and after the scene is over your job is to stay with that person, transmitting love without judgment and without "trying to soothe the pain away" until that person is done with whatever they need to process. Check-ins the next day are critical. I've heard of scenes going so deep that the Top does not leave the bottom that night, especially if the bottom does not have another supporter to go to.

Now punishment scenes can go cathartic. If I have a bottom I have punished for failing to keep track on his diet and suddenly he starts sobbing and raging about how his mother pulled "Mommy Dearest" tricks with his food when he was a child, obviously I am going to scrap the punishment aftercare subroutine and go with the same aftercare I would use for a catharsis. It is not a reward at this point--the person has obviously come to the core of some of *why* he has misbehaved and sticking around can help him heal it.

3. Rite of Passage. I've been through this twice, though not with spanking. There is really no warmup for an 8 gauge hook. Piercing or tatooing often get used as a rite of passage in our (mainstream) culture. "Hey I got divorced and then got this cool tatoo of a butterfly on my back! This is symbolic of my metamorphosis and new freedom." Rite of passage can be used as a bookmark, as a symbol that something has changed, or as a way to discover new strengths. A slave who takes a nose piercing (painful) and then puts in a large piece of jewelry at the behest of her owner and goes about her business for a week (embarrassing) has simultaneously marked her passage into being this master's property, has acknowledged the change, and has discovered that she can cope with physical pain, emotional fear, and social embarrassment (making her a stronger person)

4. Going for a spiritual experience. Fast for 2 days, then hang off the ground by two hooks in your chest. You might just see the light. On a more subtle note, flooding your body with shock and endorphins might thin the veil between you and whatever your belief system is. You might hear from God, or the gods, or the Universe, or what have you. You might get "hits" regarding what you need to do next to fulfill your life mission.

5. Ordeal #1: How much can I take? How far can I go? Can I really do *that*? Interrogation scenes fall into this category. No warmup there. I once saw an interrogation scene which resulted in one of the bottoms being reassured of the depth of his love for his fiance. Beautiful stuff. Sometimes though you just want to know if you can take 9 judicial style cane strokes. Or whatever. Some people are thrill seekers and limit pushers: "Can I sack that peak? Can I run 50 miles through Death Valley in midsummer? Can I play with that singletail top going full tilt?

This one can go really stupid though. If extremely masochistic bottom A challenges Insecure Ego Top B that the Top will tire before the bottom does, you have a recipe for trouble. I won't play this way, but if someone took away my conscience I could really do some damage with 1,000 cuts of a singletail before I would tire out. Not smart. Especially if you have a poor sense of when you physically have had enough--and when you are nearly delirious with pain that sense will be poor. Extreme pain *confuses* the brain.

6. Ordeal #2: Obedience. How much can I take for my Master? Does my capability to obey have a limit? Can go stupid--but also can be used to bond slave and Master if used well. It can also be used to push on phobias and fear areas and thus aid growth--if used very carefully. Warmup? Not likely.

And no--these are not nice neat categories in real life. There is plenty of room for overlap. However, they come in handy when I am negotiating. If I am lucky the prospective bottom tells me "That is what I want! I did not have the words for it though and nobody else ever talks about that particular thing!"

Multiple Scene Identity Disorder--It Confuses Everyone Except Me ;-)

Now, I don't think I corner the market on being odd or having seemingly "opposite" aspects within my "scene identity". After all I just got through hosting a party with a BDSM Master who loves hunting and guns, yet also likes having painted toenails and wearing high heels whenever possible. However, I seem to have enough different facets that I confuse people. Unfortunately some folks will spend quite a bit of time attempting to get me to name one box I fit into before they realize that effort is futile.

Part of it is that I now have each foot solidly placed in two entirely different scenes. There is the spanking/domestic discipline side which I am now developing apace. While I found what appeared to be a 10-20% overlap between the spanking and BDSM scene at the Shadowlane party, I very much got the idea that the spanking scene is most definitely it's own universe with it's own identity and subculture. Much of the overlap I could describe as being born of necessity--if you don't have a spanking club in your area your next choice is the local BDSM club. D, having tasted the full spanking culture for the first time in his life, is totally hooked. He would not care if he never attended a another BDSM party if it were not for me.

Anyhow, regardless of the differences and similarities between groups of folks, I figured posting this is not a bad idea from the standpoint of letting the both my new spanko friends and my old BDSM friends get to know me better.

So identity # 1 (number one because it is priority #1) is my new identity as a "head of household," or domestic disciplinarian (whatever you want to call it). As time goes on I will research more and learn more about how this particular subculture operates. However, since I've had an attraction to it since age 4 (lol) I've already done a fair amount of research as it is. I see it as a form of domination. I impose rules and structure on D solely for the purpose of making sure he stays healthy, that the household (as small as it is) runs efficiently, and to help him become a more effective life partner. This is a far cry from D/s or M/s as I have observed it. With that, I have found, one often imposes rules that appear somewhat arbitrary, or that reflect some personal desire of the dominant. Most common, I have found, are rules concerning chastity and when one can cum. Journals are common so the Master can more effectively get into the slave's head. Protocol (kneeling, modes of address, how one dresses, how one starts the morning or ends the day with regards to serving the Master's needs, how one is supposed to present oneself when the Master comes home, etc., etc.) is almost always key. As I've said before, rather than simply being encouraged to be a better partner and a healthier, more courteous human being one is also encouraged to be an instrument of service and pleasure for the Master. One is not better than the other--they are just different modes of conducting a relationship. It is a challenge to explain and I am finding it more of a challenge to explain DD to BDSMers than it is to explain M/s to spankos. Yesterday I told a BDSMer about what D and I are doing and she stated she has a load of etiquette books at home she could loan us. Wonderful gesture--and quite unnecessary. Again, there is that emphasis on protocol that we just don't have. I am not looking for a submissive who has the Hilton Dinner Service Manual or Emily Post's writings memorized. I just have a partner who has a punishment kink and who honestly wants help sticking to a few basic rules (rules, btw, that most humans would agree are reasonable and that most humans have tough time sticking to). Disclaimer time--I realize that some DD relationships may have an emphasis on etiquette and protocol. I know this stuff does exist on a continuum.

Identity #2: BDSM sadist. When I say I have various and sundry kinks besides the ones related to spanking and discipline, I *mean* it. Go look me up on Fetlife if you don't believe me (see my blog links). I am listed under WednesdayA. I have an impressive list of Things I Do and I do them whenever I get a chance. That is an entirely different headspace for me. This is Wednesday showing up at a party and having fun. I don't give a dingo's kidney if the bottom submits to me or not. If they want to lick my shoes, swell. If they are going to lick my shoes forever I am going to get bored and start hurting them. D has expanded just a bit into BDSM masochist simply because we hang around so many S/Mers. Last night I needed to go singletail *somebody* and he was a good sport about it (though he is a good sport almost about anything one does to his behind). Anyhow, I don't go into agonizing detail about this part of my identity here because this is primarily a spanking/discipline blog. I have a million local people I can jabber at regarding my activities as a consensual sadist. I have only 3 people locally so far that I can discuss DD and spanking with.

Identity #3: Occasional masochist. This is odd. I like to bottom for the discipline stuff, but not in a discipline context. I also like some limited medical play. I list myself as a top on this blog and at spanking parties at this point because I have run into people with terminal Dom's disease once too many times. Give me a decent sadist or better yet a switch any day. They will have fun with me and not treat me like a submissive later. I *loathe* being treated like a submissive out of scene. It is the quickest way for someone to tick me off. So I tend to guard that part of my identity for a select few Tops who are clueful enough to give me what I need without reading more into it than what is there. I do it for fun, to get high on my own endorphins, and occasionally I do it as a rite of passage or for a catharsis. There are a gazillion female bottoms out there who can write far more eloquently about this than I ever will, so I probably won't post much about this either in any detail, though occasionally I might post about general Stuff I Notice from this perspective.

Identity #4: Mentor/teacher. I love presenting demos and classes. I do them about 3-4 times a year locally. If I get to mentor someone on a new skill my whole night has just been made. I also appreciate good mentors for myself when I find them and I tend to hold them in high esteem.

Identity #5: Aspiring transformative top/ spiritual seeker. This one is still nascent, still very much unformed. Right now it happens unexpectedly. I am having a good time and suddenly my bottom is sobbing. They are sobbing not because I wrapped a cane and hit their nose ;-)--rather they are sobbing because they *need* to go there. Often I have hit an unexpected reservoir of grief. Unexpressed grief is a growth block, so if I can tap it and get them to stay with the feelings awhile I know the person will grow. When this happens the goose bumps come up and I feel like I have been honored and trusted by whatever Source of Wisdom is out there to shepherd this person through this process. I think at some point just about every Top finds themselves here, whether they like it or not.

What has me scratching my head on this now is that we have a strong group of people here in Phoenix who do this *on purpose*. I learned "cathartic flogging" from this group which is part of why I am able to shepherd someone through a cathartic "meltdown" at this point. Problem is, I have not been able to break into this group and learn more. It is probably my fault. This group is extremely M/s oriented. I've been afraid they would be unwilling to mentor the likes of me because I don't do M/s. Soon I just need to test that assumption. There is no reason I can see that this sort of thing has to be reserved for BDSM Masters. Certainly it helps with slave development--but then again I was never required to produce a slave to learn cathartic flogging and it was just as effective. I don't know how many times someone who was not a slave of these folks approached one of them for a ritual or cathartic scene and had a very effective experience.

The other thing I consider though is that doing this requires some sort of spiritual development. I am not a strongly metaphysical and I have doubts I can force my brain to go that way. But, I can see that one has to be anchored into something greater than themselves to do this sort of thing. It can be God, faith in the Universe, Mindfulness, or whatever, but it needs to be something. I have an idea of how to do this and where to go--I just have not done it yet for a variety of reasons. The path I am being called to is difficult and I had a meltdown the last time I attempted it. Then again I don't know of a spiritual path that is not difficult and prone to setbacks. I think too, before I ask for a mentor some sort of practice has to be at least minimally established.

I think I got everything, for now. If I sprout another head at any point you all will be the first to know. Thanks for tuning in.