Ranting about Bad Doms

*sigh*

I've seen and heard a *lot* recently so if you think this is directed at you--it is probably not.

A lot of us run around with very, very dark fantasies. We want to be owned, dominated, disregarded, punished intensely, used as an object, treated in an arbitrary way, interrogated cruelly, depersonalized, tortured--you get the idea. Or maybe we are on the other side of such fantasies.

This is no reason to let down your guard. Real predators are out there. You don't want them. No, really, you don't. Really. I don't care how desperately much you want to be treated as the mere muddy carpet remnant your Master Treads Upon. You Don't Want A Predator!

Red flag time, folks. Now the presence of these in any individual does not automatically make them a Creep. But if you see a bunch of them--just dig a bit deeper. Slow down. Get references.

1. Does the person seem to be "bigger than life" or "extraordinary"? How about extraordinarily charming?

2. Do you find yourself sharing things with this person almost immediately that you would take weeks or months to share with any other mere mortal?

3. Do you find yourself allowing them liberties that you would not allow most people?

4. Do they present themselves as being extraordinarily intelligent--and flaunting it? Dig deeper. Check out their facts. Hell, check out their *grammar*. Yeah, occasionally I've run into an arrogant genius. More frequently I run into arrogant posers who sprinkle their conversation with a bunch of big words. Often these words are mis-used. I avoid these folks on principle.

5. Are they vague about their past? Do they claim that they have done extraordinary things, but are skimpy on details when you press them?

6. Do they avoid the community? Do they have any friends? Have you seen their friends? Do they go on and on about how inferior the "community" or "society" is?

7. Do they think there is no such thing as "hard limits?" Do they believe you should have no limits? Do they consider your limits an imposition on their Grand Domliness? Hey--I am all for consensual limit pushing, if done skillfully. There has to be some respect and care though, regardless of the intensity of the role that is played.

8. Do they ever acknowledge or apologize for mistakes--to anyone? What is the quality of their apology? Small and forced if cornered--or appropriate?

9. Do they ever self disclose? Do they ever indicate they have feet of clay like the rest of us?

10. Do they continually say they are not some sort of creep or are not engaging in some sort of Annoying Behavior? We all will say things occasionally like "I don't mean to dominate the conversation," especially if we know we have that tendency. In conscientious folks this statement will be accompanied by an honest, if imperfect, attempt not to do that thing. Some folks will use such statements as a cover though. If someone says "I don't mean to dominate the conversation" and they *always* do, start looking for other similar examples.

11. Do they find ways to isolate you? Do you find yourself, for whatever reason, spending much less time with old friends? Certainly any relationship takes up time--but keeping your friends and ties are your best defense. You need the reality check. There are lots of tricks a person can use to isolate someone. They don't have to be as overt as "you can't see so and so anymore." Generally they won't be that overt--you will just find yourself becoming more and more isolated.

13. Do they switch frequently from mean to nice--always with an excuse for the mean? We all do this on occasion, though generally with an apology and a reason. Daily switches though are too much. Excuses with no apology are, well, inexcusable.

14. Do you think you are "wrong" all of the time? Are you starting to feel "crazy" or "bad"? If you weren't crazy, bad, or perpetually wrong before, you probably are not now. Some people have a nifty way of dumping their crazy on others and then denying anything to do with it.

15. Does the person appear to fill some longing need in you? Do they seem perfect for you in every way? If it seems too good to be true....

16. Oh, and the last one for today. Do they act impatient or defensive when you ask to slow down and check references? Do they hint that theirs is an offer you must accept *now* or lose forever? Don't fall for the used car salesman routine. No inspection, no sale.

There is a difference between a predator and a responsible Dom with an objectification, degradation, humiliation, punishment, or total power exchange fetish. The latter possesses a conscience. They will give you a great ride, but will not want to break their toy. The former....may just not want to get caught in the event they do break their toy.

And yes, these items apply to subs as well.


Not an inclusive list, but I am done for the day. I feel much better now. /Rant