Self Promotion

If you were at last Saturday's party and wonder WTF I was doing--I finally posted about it on _The Islander_.

If you weren't at last Saturday's party--well this is one of those posts that made me create a second blog. Yep--you've been warned again.

Predators

Another opinionated post warning:

So at the Saturday party I heard of one incident that really disturbed me. Turns out there was at least one more.

And I guess SL is getting infected.

I deal with some *extremely* difficult people in my line of work. I've had a layperson's crash course in personality disorders, untreated mental disorders, and sociopathy--so when I run into a predator in the scene I blow them off pretty quickly and forget the incident even more quickly. If they seem to really be living in la-la land I have a bit of fun making short work of them. If the stuff I deal with at work is a 10 these folks rarely get to a 2 on my social annoyance scale.

But even if I deal with it fairly well most of the time it still disturbs me as I know it has the ability to erode perfectly good communities. The good folks are likely to take their ball and play at home, increasing the concentration of predators and problems. The cure most often proposed is teaching the predators how to be decent, socially skilled human beings.

OK--that can work sometimes--especially if the person simply lacks social skills. Many of us were outsiders up to the point we walked into a dungeon for the first time.

But then there are the others who will never turn around, save for a well-aimed lightening bolt to the forehead from God followed by a few years of intensive therapy. Seriously. These people do not live in our social world.

The mistake people make is assuming these folks can read the body language and voice tone cues that most of us read routinely and take for granted.

If the person has grown up under a rock they probably can't--not until they are more socialized. If they are suffering from some sort of personality disorder they won't--they are too busy distorting reality to actually *attend* to it. Worse, they may read your cues as a sign to do something you *don't* want them to do so they can protect their distorted version of reality.

So I think the non-predators need a lesson in direct communication. Ie: "I don't want to play, please leave me alone." "I said no and I mean no." "If you don't stop I will ask (yell) for help." "If you continue to follow me around and pressure me that will guarantee that you will *never* get to play with me." Name the offending behavior, request an alternate behavior, and name the possible consequences for failure to stop. Stand tall and look the person in the eye. Mean it. What would you do if they were after your kid?

The predator may throw a hissy fit at worst--or try to throw verbal barbs at you to induce guilt. The key is to stick to your point and to not engage in their agenda. Repeat your request over and over again if they start to argue with you or hit your triggers. They will eventually go off and find easier prey.

Sounds rude? Too direct? Remember--these folks don't inhabit the same social world the rest of us do. You might not treat your best friend this way--but it is exactly what these people need. The simply clueless will eventually learn a valuable lesson. The more disordered will move on. Think about how direct you have to be with a 2 year old. No--these folks are not 2 years old. But socially they may be--or they may be out after their own unsavory ends.

Now here comes the part where I get to throw the match on the barbie.

I think that failure to directly tell predators to move on/cut the crap not only does a disservice to oneself, but it also does a disservice to the entire community.

No I am NOT blaming the victims here! I *know* this is unfair. If someone really gets victimized it is *all* the perpetrator's fault and the victim is guilt-free.

However, at some point I think pragmatics takes over. It is not our *job* to educate/repel these folks any more than it is our job to to educate our neighbor not to blast his stereo system at all hours. And yet we find ourselves doing these sorts of things anyway. We can either fume about it or just do it and get it over with.

If 80% of us tell perpetrators and other socially rude sorts directly and simply to stop doing whatever it is that is getting into our space, they will move on. If we don't, we will see our parties, clubs, communities become degraded. The good folks will move on leaving...what?

Post Valentines Day Post Mortem ;-)

Ok this is not about what I *did*. That will definitely have to go on the other blog.

This is about how grateful I am for D--and some apparently useful quirky personal beliefs I have about love. Warning: this is an opinionated piece.

D is just into spanking (OK he tolerates a few other things, but if a spanking only club opened up in Phoenix he would be just as happy to never darken the door of a dungeon again).

My scene interests include a heavy dose of spanking, but otherwise are all over the map. So we have an open relationship. I get to go out and do what I did last night--and because I have a million dungeon contacts he gets his itch scratched for multiple top exhibitionist spanking scenes. People look at us funny sometimes. For one thing, the heavy M/s emphasis here assumes that D is *supposed* to like what I like, or at least Obey and Get Over It. It has been six years now. People have largely quit lecturing me about it (and have also quit trying to pigeon-hole our relationship). It was not without quite a bit of work on our part and a bit of fang baring.

As partners though the love is definitely there. It was not this thunderclap "love at first sight" thing. But then again, I don't think I am the type to do that. I had some previous very bad experiences with very good looking people (think about what H.S. was really like for the lowest social caste). The experiences were bad enough that now (perhaps a bit unfairly) such people have to prove that they are decent, humble human beings before I will really trust them. OK--I have an odd bit of discrimination there I need to tend to very soon. Sorry to any drop dead gorgeous types I have offended recently (and if I am your friend *don't* assume you are ugly!!!!)

However, when that happened it caused me to question just about every "conventional" idea of love from a very early age--and I have found much of it to be unrealistic, rather sick catch-22 claptrap. D searched for years to find his match--and in the process his idealized notions of the perfect spanking relationship got stripped down to bare essentials. My already unconventional nature allowed me to blow off ill-fitting M/s notions regarding what we* should* do sooner rather than later. That probably saved our relationship.

D and I are compatible (or at least flexible) on issues of money and sex. Regarding issues of money we are both penny-pinching misers (a fact that has seriously saved our bacon this last half year). Regarding sex--well see above. We also clash like heck on other major traits....

....And we work around them. Sometimes he turns down the political talk show jibber-jabber, and other times I get the shooter's muffs out and read a book. I've perfected my meat and potatoes recipes for him and freeze them en masse--then cook my own stuff and freeze it en masse. Some habits of mine he's adopted--and vice versa.

Somehow it works out not because we are a perfect match but because we respect each other as very different human beings and try to tend to the core of what we think love is. Listening (we are better some days than others), respect for our own inner worlds, lots of compliments and emphasizing the good things, lots of human contact, lots of real world problem solving when the real world does what it likes to do, and lots of freedom for each other with the assurance that we each have a home and a warm embrace to return to.

While there has to be some common ground in any relationship, IMHO the real lesson of love is spiritual. It is not whether you can find a hottie that everyone will be envious of, who shares all of your interests, and who puts the toilet paper on the roll exactly like you do. Rather, it is whether you can connect with the core of another human being and fulfill each other's desire for love and closeness. There is no formula for that, and in my personal experience most social codes for love and relationships do more to hinder than help the process. I am lucky I found someone who believes the same thing and is willing to go on this adventure with me.

Some Random stuff from last night.

I think I find cathartic scenes even more fulfilling than punishment ones (and I *really* like punishment ones). So when it happens in the same scene I am one happy camper.

That said, until last night I never really clued into the fact that a cathartic scene really takes the tiger out of me from the top side. I know what they are like for me from the bottom--if I am planning one I try to make sure I don't have to work the next day and that my immediate next activity involves chilling and food. But it was just last night that I realized I need lots of immediate chilling and food from the top side too.

I had promised to play with D after the first scene--so after about an hour of chilling I was sorta ready. I thought it was going to be a short scene--but it turns out using a singletail for me is like playing some sort of video game after a long day. Not completely mindless--rather something that takes up the whole concentration of a small percentage of my mind while allowing the rest of my brain to take a siesta.

Rad has been saying something for awhile that has finally caught up with me as well. I get just a tad *nervous* before a punishment scene. I rely heavily on scolding and on my instinct for saying the right words to trip a switch in someone so they start to actually feel remorse. I also have been developing a skill for playing with real SAMs, so there is always that niggling worry that I might not be able to subdue them. I have to work on getting myself in a "dark" mode beforehand--so by the end of the scene I have burned off all of this built up energy quickly and I feel like an empty vessel. The challenge though, and the nerves, and that slight concern about failure just add to the appeal. I had a skydiving and rock climbing friend once who told me the exact same thing.

Now, note to self. Pack a clean pair of earplugs and the shooter's earmuffs for my next dungeon punishment or cathartic scene. Due to an ongoing comedy of errors we have the weirdest stuff in our dungeon CD player (which holds about 50 of the damned things). People burn CDs, stuff them in there unmarked, and never retrieve them. If I ever get my mitts on whomever put the "William Tell Overture" in there a few months ago.... The wrong music seriously messes with bottom space. Yeah, inteferes with scolding, though there is some appeal in lifting off one half of a muff and yelling at someone.

Play Party

The scene worked well. I won't post much about it for the sake of confidentiality, but it was a punishment scene that morphed into a cathartic scene (I worked in tandem with this person's Dominant/Master and used scolding over real issues to help trigger a catharsis that the person needed). I sometimes end up in the role of "henchman" or "beta Top" for a dominant who is not a strong sadist which is more or less what happened in this case. Given that I am not strongly into D/s or M/s I rather like the role. Someone else can deal with the rules and the service, I can deal out the discipline, and life is good for everyone.

I had another singletail scene with D. I've been practicing my "butterfly kisses" (just getting the string "brush" at the end of the knot to brush the person) and I am getting better at it. Enough repetition apparently gives a person the ability to see things they could not see before--in this case the depth of a stroke on skin in a dark dungeon. On of my mentors suggests putting out a candle in the dark with a singletail for practice--I might try that one of these days.

The begging and pleading of bottoms

So I have a scene planned tomorrow that may turn out to be a combination of punishment and catharsis.

At issue is to warm up or not to warm up. Kinda wondering if said bottom has been snooping out my blog.

My stance is that this person will get what is needed, and if warm up figures in somehow than that will happen. I have my ways of describing general patterns I see, but I also like scenes to *work* especially if the bottom really needs something in particular from it or if a combination of actions produced the desired result in the past.

But still...

What is this business of this person telling me their behind was never that tough. Or that what they can take may turn out to be pathetic?

My, my, my.

Somebody is feeling a bit...nervous?

I love scenes that start a day before I pick up an implement ;-)

Wow.

Once in a great while someone writes something so gorgeous that it makes me want to eat my keyboard.

Go read the latest post on "My Dirty Little Secret" (Jenni Mack on my blog list).

Just...wow.