Predators

Another opinionated post warning:

So at the Saturday party I heard of one incident that really disturbed me. Turns out there was at least one more.

And I guess SL is getting infected.

I deal with some *extremely* difficult people in my line of work. I've had a layperson's crash course in personality disorders, untreated mental disorders, and sociopathy--so when I run into a predator in the scene I blow them off pretty quickly and forget the incident even more quickly. If they seem to really be living in la-la land I have a bit of fun making short work of them. If the stuff I deal with at work is a 10 these folks rarely get to a 2 on my social annoyance scale.

But even if I deal with it fairly well most of the time it still disturbs me as I know it has the ability to erode perfectly good communities. The good folks are likely to take their ball and play at home, increasing the concentration of predators and problems. The cure most often proposed is teaching the predators how to be decent, socially skilled human beings.

OK--that can work sometimes--especially if the person simply lacks social skills. Many of us were outsiders up to the point we walked into a dungeon for the first time.

But then there are the others who will never turn around, save for a well-aimed lightening bolt to the forehead from God followed by a few years of intensive therapy. Seriously. These people do not live in our social world.

The mistake people make is assuming these folks can read the body language and voice tone cues that most of us read routinely and take for granted.

If the person has grown up under a rock they probably can't--not until they are more socialized. If they are suffering from some sort of personality disorder they won't--they are too busy distorting reality to actually *attend* to it. Worse, they may read your cues as a sign to do something you *don't* want them to do so they can protect their distorted version of reality.

So I think the non-predators need a lesson in direct communication. Ie: "I don't want to play, please leave me alone." "I said no and I mean no." "If you don't stop I will ask (yell) for help." "If you continue to follow me around and pressure me that will guarantee that you will *never* get to play with me." Name the offending behavior, request an alternate behavior, and name the possible consequences for failure to stop. Stand tall and look the person in the eye. Mean it. What would you do if they were after your kid?

The predator may throw a hissy fit at worst--or try to throw verbal barbs at you to induce guilt. The key is to stick to your point and to not engage in their agenda. Repeat your request over and over again if they start to argue with you or hit your triggers. They will eventually go off and find easier prey.

Sounds rude? Too direct? Remember--these folks don't inhabit the same social world the rest of us do. You might not treat your best friend this way--but it is exactly what these people need. The simply clueless will eventually learn a valuable lesson. The more disordered will move on. Think about how direct you have to be with a 2 year old. No--these folks are not 2 years old. But socially they may be--or they may be out after their own unsavory ends.

Now here comes the part where I get to throw the match on the barbie.

I think that failure to directly tell predators to move on/cut the crap not only does a disservice to oneself, but it also does a disservice to the entire community.

No I am NOT blaming the victims here! I *know* this is unfair. If someone really gets victimized it is *all* the perpetrator's fault and the victim is guilt-free.

However, at some point I think pragmatics takes over. It is not our *job* to educate/repel these folks any more than it is our job to to educate our neighbor not to blast his stereo system at all hours. And yet we find ourselves doing these sorts of things anyway. We can either fume about it or just do it and get it over with.

If 80% of us tell perpetrators and other socially rude sorts directly and simply to stop doing whatever it is that is getting into our space, they will move on. If we don't, we will see our parties, clubs, communities become degraded. The good folks will move on leaving...what?